Trapped in the Arcade #1

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Poison (Final Fight)

Herstory: Poison first appeared alongside her palette swap doppelganger Roxy in Capcom's Final Fight. While originally created as a cisfemale character, when the game was brought to America she was introduced as a transvestite because Capcom felt that American audiences wouldn't be as adverse to hitting a man dressed as a woman as they would a biological woman (you know, the “good” kind of woman). Say what you will about the Japanese, they've got the yankee mindset pretty figured out.

Despite (or perhaps due to) her gender deviance, Poison has become a popular Capcom fixture, branching out to both the Street Fighter and SNK vs Capcom series of games. Gamers can't seem to get enough of her; she's graced the “Top 25/Top 50” lists of Gamest Magazine, UGO.com, and GameDaily.com.

Street Fighter IV's producer Yoshinori Ono said in an interview with Electronic Gaming Monthly that in North America, Poison's official status is that of a post-op transsexual (remember kids, getting a job and a savings account for suckers, the easiest way to get that sex change is to become famous), while in Japan she “simply tucks her business away to look female”. It should be noted that in Japan, Poison classifies as futanari, or newhalf, which does not carry with it the same connotations as “transvestite” does in the states, but is still very, very sexy.

Strengths: With kitty ears and whatever the hell it is that French maids wear on their heads being as rampant as they are, a policeman's cap is a bold and refreshing alternative, combining bad girl attitude with an ironic fascist aesthetic. And where the tendency is to cut your hair short before you dye it an unnatural color, Poison not only kept hers long and luscious, but she even has a bit of a layering thing going on. I'm of two minds about her choice of tops; while I'm about as much a fan of “tiny white tops” as I am Cheap Trick cover bands, I must admit that it works with the jean shorts and her body shape (i.e. massive effing tits). I want to hate the unbuttoned jean shorts (or “jorts” for all you efficiency consultants), but admittedly that's only because with my massive, well, I'll call them “pelvis titties”, I can barely fit into normal-sized jeans, let alone “fuck me in the street” jorts. Maybe that's why she leaves her unbuttoned; she can't either. As an amateur dominatrix (meaning I hit people but apparently not hard enough for them to give me their money), I always appreciate the incorporation of handcuffs and chains into any seemingly vanilla outfit. They complete the “sexy bizarro cop” look and add some complexity and intrigue to an otherwise uninspired “jorts and top that I always pop out of every time someone roundhouse kicks me in the face” look that was soooo Fatal Fury.

Weaknesses: Her choice of shoes leaves a lot to be desired. Black kitten heels with that bottom leaves too much skin and makes hers legs look long and lanky. The center and left outfits could have really used a pair of high heeled boots or at the very least some fishnet stockings. The outfit on the right is unfortunate at best. If you absolutely have to cover up such a beautifully proportioned body, monochrome astronaut spandex is not the way to go. This is the one instance in which one of those unimaginative and totally degrading swimsuits the DOA girls are all sporting these days would be a vast improvement to this go-go-dancer-from-another-planet costume. I could get excited about this outfit if she had a ray gun instead of the handcuffs. And had it pointed at me. Or at a crying Chun-Li.

I'm going to stop before I have to start seeing a therapist again.

Score: Four high kicks out of five.