BRIDGET (Guilty Gear XX)
Herstory: On interwebz, they have saying: Everyone is gay for Bridget. Second only to I-No in “(failed) cosplay by fangirls and fanboys alike”, Bridget is easily among the most recognized names in the Guilty Gear franchise, despite appearing in only two installments of the series.
Unlike previous inductee Poison, there is no gray area to her gender; the game's canon openly acknowledges that she is a boy living as a woman, a product of the “we, for whatever reason, raised our child as a different gender and then waited until they got old enough to tell them that their life was a lie” trend so common in the manga aisle of your local bookstore.
“Then why do you keep calling her a 'her' if you know she's a boy?” you might ask. Well, two reasons. One, out of habit; I refer to anyone dressed in female clothing “she” unless corrected by the person in question. Two, the game's literature claims that Bridget works as a bounty hunter “to prove 'his' masculinity”. I want you to take a look at those pictures and say that last statement aloud and see if you don't develop a twitch in your eye. Trying to prove your masculinity while dressed as a jailbait nun is about about as effective as singing a Wesley Willis song at a Broadway audition (yeah, that's right, wikipedia it, bitch!). Methinks her home-schooled “gender theory” has left her a little unclear about gender roles. I'd blame the parents, but seeing as how they're not around, I'll just blame my own. If my father asks who hung a pinata filled with monkey shit from his car antenna, you keep your fucking mouth shut.
Without a doubt, Bridget is queen of the video game traps and the devastator of sexual identity. Mentioning her on any message board is sure to light the place up with laymen debates on gender and sexuality, which I imagine would be as nourishing to your intellect as watching your dog try to pass a kidney stone.
Does fapping to Bridget make you gay? Probably not. But it does make you a predator.
Strengths: Bridget's look has something for everyone. Whether you like loli, nuns, trannies, or oversized handcuffs, one way or another she's determined to get your attention. While I prefer my ladies to have curves, I can appreciate someone willing to flaunt their flat-chested petite-ness. Like I said with Poison, when you have legs that beautiful, just dress around them and let them do all the talking. Her color scheme matches her eyes and hair, a fashion choice that would benefit about, well, all of you reading this. Yes, I know that black top matches your dark and bottomless heart, but how can you expect to bring home your own little Edward if you don't find a way to bring out your eyes? Ugh, surprisingly, that made me feel dirtier than fapping to a video game character ever will. On a related note, kudos for not going the traditional “black and white” nun. Although I have never seen a blue and white-colored nun in my life (except maybe in anime/mangas), I'd be willing to forgo that fact for the sake of the fantasy. The habit also has a way of accentuating her tiny, feminine frame. And the handcuff is, well, neat.
Weaknesses: Nothing perplexes and irritates me like cuffs that have no fucking sleeves. The only people to ever pull that look off convincingly are the Playboy Bunnies. Because when you're already dressed in 1/10 of a bunny suit, you figure “why not invisible sleeves?” I could do without the crucifix, if only because of my inability to “get off” while in the presence of any religious symbol that is not the face of Bob Dobbs. The habit creates an interesting silhouette but if left unchecked could permutate into a mojo-squashing poncho. From certain angles you look like the top half of a Russian doll cut out and put onto the legs of a mannequin who is about to cost someone their job at The Gap. Also, a little blue eye shadow wouldn't have killed you. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to snark at someone who might offer me a more titillating rebuttal than a look that says “yeah well, you'd still do if I was old enough and you weren't a jaded and sexually awkward dickgirl”. Bitch.
Final Score: 3.5 out of 5 low punches.
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