by Purrsephone
When Kittie told me she was starting a beauty blog for trans women, I was so excited at the prospect of giving fashion advice that I pleaded with her to add me as a contributor. It wasn't until a day or two later when I casually checked my “Things I Am Not” list that I remembered I was not particularly fashionable or good at giving any advice.
As both a BBW and a trans woman, I'm unwelcome in just about every clothing outlet in my city. Once, I tried to buy a dress at Torrid. The three salespeople, all of whom stood behind the counter the whole time, looked away from me and would not respond to my very verbal attempts to grab their attention. This went on for twenty minutes, after which one of them broke the silence only to tell me the store was closing and that I needed to leave. Moral of the story: my wardrobe isn't anything to write home about.
But what I lack in “thread cred” I make up for in practical “experience in the field”, at least that's what I've convinced myself of anyway. Being a 6' lesbian transzilla in Arizona, I'm used to being under intense inspection by onlookers at all hours of the day, and have learned over the months how to cover up the evidence of my born gender. So today we're going to talk about “burying your bone” as I like to say. That's right. We're gonna learn how to tuck it, cover it up, and scare it into hiding.
Hope you're okay with that, because it's all I got for now.
The Tuck
The oldest and most celebrated method. According to anatomists and drag queens everywhere, there exists a cavity in our pelvis where our testicles used to live before they dropped last Thursday. It is possible to push the “pelvic cleaveage” as I like to call it back up into this cavity (if this is your first time trying it I suggest lying on your back or having your partner or a very very good friend help you out with this). Once this is done, you can tuck your penis/ladydick/stickpussy and scrotum between your legs. It's a little uncomfortable at first, especially the first couple of times you try to sit down, but it sure as hell beats having the saleslady at The Gap point at your bulge when you ask to try something on the dressing room.
Pro: With this method you can wear just about anything. Even bathing suits will be as easy as your mom on a “slow Tuesday”.
Con: Some girls' balls get too big to be put back in that cavity. So, make sure you know which side of that fence you're on before you RSVP to that pool party.
The Double Up
This method involves wearing two pairs of underwear, usually a bikini and either boy shorts or hipsters. The only real instructions I have to offer on this approach is to wear the looser fitting pair of underwear on the bottom, lest you bunch up. Oh, and if you piss yourself, it will be doubly embarrassing.
It's worth nothing, though, that after a few months of estrogen, your whatever you call it might shrink significantly, requiring you only to go halfsies. Just cut out holes in the other pair of underwear and use it like a tank top like this http://rejectedreality.files.wordpress.com/2007/11/redneck-tank-top.jpg
Pro: It doesn't require as much adjustment as tucking it in, and is a suitable alternative if you, for whatever reason, cannot do the tuck in (for the record, I am part of that freakish minority, so don't feel bad, unless you're one of those people who can, in which case, eat a dick).
Con: Unless you live in Siberia, this will make you miserable in your pants. Like a blowjob with teeth.
The Tape
This is like tucking it in instead you use tape (surgical works best) to do all the work.
Pro: This is as simple (and pleasant) as taping your dick to your ass.
Con: As Isis from America's Next Top Model proved, this is by far the most unreliable plan of attack, especially if you intend on doing any swimming. Also, as global warming gets worse, this method will become more and more inefficient, so either switch to tucking or plant a tree somewhere. Preferably one that produces fruit so you can minimize your food miles and bake me a fucking pie because if you've got time to read this blog you got time to make me a pie, bitch.
GB2KITCHEN!
Join us next time where I cover how to use foundation to cover up pre-laser, pre electrolysis stubble. This one will actually feature pics.
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