Thee CatHouse

TRAPPED IN THE ARCADE #4

2009-07-06T20:24:00.000-07:00

brought to you by Purrsephone

Flea (Chrono Trigger)

Herstory: Ambiguous gender and RPGs go together like Republicans and adultery. Even the so called “greatest rpg of all time”, Final Fantasy VII, couldn't get through the 40 epic hours of gameplay (80 if you use the strategy guide...wait, what?) without having their protagonist, brooding emo super soldier extraordinaire Cloud, don the dress and makeup to turn tricks in downtown Midgar.

Ironically enough, Chrono Trigger, argued by at least two blogs you've never fucking heard of to be the “best rpg of the SNES”, has its own fair share of gender bendering. One could draw their own conclusions about this seemingly blithe and benign coincidence and argue its implications/ramifications/sissifications to the RPG genre as a whole, but I'm still trying to get un-lost on the Kero Sewers level of Super Mario RPG, so it looks like you're our only hope.

Before the Final Fantasy franchise set the trend for angsty androgynous anti-heroes, most non gender-congruent characters were found on the “evil” side of the spectrum, like so many gay and lesbian film characters (don't worry, one day I'll get a job where I can apply all this art school training and won't have to bother you with it).

Flea is one of the three sidekicks of Magus, along with Ozzie and Slash (trust me, the American version got the better names, once you translate their names from the Japanese version they're all named after sauces). The jury's still out on whether or not this is an homage to Red Hot Chili Peppers or a very commercial “fuck you”. Given that the game was released during Dave Navarro's stint with the group, I personally voted for the latter.

Writing off his perceived gender confusion with “Male...female...what's the difference? Power is beautiful, and I've got the power!”, Flea earns the distinction of being the first Arcade inductee to be recognized as male by our bloggers, as both his apathy towards gender and the game's classification (every character is given a gender marker, and he, miniskirt and all, gets a whatever the hell that “male” sign is supposed to be) reinforce his born gender identity. Which is cool with us. We at Thee Cathouse love everyone. We just don't always act like it.

Beyond all that, there's not much to say about Flea except that after you whoop his ass, you can go on a sidequest, track him down to his HQ, and whoop it again (bashing? You decide!)

Strengths: While I normally don't go for the “LARPing saiyan elf” look, he makes it work well enough, I suppose. The cape is a little awkward, but it probably does a good job of hiding his masculine shoulders. The top and miniskirt seem to fit his frame, and the choice of brown leggings does accomplish a “days of yore” feeling.

Weaknesses: Boy, girl, or animorph, a forehead like that should never go exposed. Perhaps pulling more of the bangs out. Given his name, this would be one of the few times I would actually advocate the wearing of (gag) wings. Tweezing the eyebrows wouldn't hurt, and couldn't be as painful or tedious as getting your ass whooped on by an anthropomorphic frog. If he has any wishes left in that genie lamp he's got dangling on his belt, maybe he can wish for a makeover. I suspect by now that the lamp is dead and he only keeps it because it matches his shoes. Still, if I had enough ale and turkey legs, it wouldn't be too far of a stretch to imagine me walking over to his kiosk at the Ren Faire and asking him his number, or at the very least if he could sign my Flaming Rainbow Sword (+3 Against Cis People).

Final Score: Two and a half healing potions out of five.

...

2009-07-06T20:21:00.000-07:00

We've been real quiet here and I apologize, we've just had a lot of other stuff going on in our utterly fantastic lives. I'll leave it up to you to read that as sarcasm. Since internet tubes tend not to transmit sarcasm very well.

But enough talk! Have at you!

Nailed: Glittery @ Sephora

2009-06-30T21:04:00.000-07:00

by Kittie

I’m really fond of Sephora’s little nail polishes. They are only $5 which means you can buy more colors, versus the full-sized ones. The quality of the polish isn’t stellar tbh, but 2 coats are more than passable.

I just tried these two:

P06 Red Ruby
To backtrack a bit, my #1 favoritest color ever was Manic Panic’s Bitch, which they seem to have discontinued, along with my fave lippy (Red Hellion) years ago. Both are very red, but dark. And full of glitter. So I’ve tried to replace them since, did OK with the lippy. Still have a little bit of Bitch polish and while I haven’t dared open the jar, still appears to be liquid.

Red Ruby though is close enough. The glitter is silver as opposed to Bitch’s which is red and light metallic blue (and better). It really is a lovely deep dark red and covers and stays on pretty well. It’s a good match for glamour girls and Goths. The glitter seems to wear off before the polish color, which as Purrsephone noted in her article on OPI, isn’t too horrible looking when it happens. As she’s also noted, it’s red, so might not be the best choice if you are part-time boy; I say this one is dark red and therefore guy-ish enough but your mileage may vary. Hey, guys, wearing nail polish @ all is girlish and therefore “gay”. Comes off well enough with those sponge-in-a-jar-type polish removers you can get anywhere; a bit stubborn maybe.

No.36 (no name)
Exhibit A in “Just Because You Like Something Doesn’t Mean You Should Wear It”

OK, I love pink, really love pink. This doesn’t mean I want to live in Barbie’s Dream House, but I would drive her car. Maybe it’s because I was deprived of anything pink as I grew up a boy. Or maybe it’s because the color manages to say “innocent” and “sexy” @ the same time. Or maybe it’s “cute/slutty”. Either way, it’s a win. I tend to look pretty good in pink clothes as well. It’s a good thing to like colors other than black, you know.

This is somewhere between baby pink and bubblegum and very metallic, with champagne-colored glitter. Not pink champagne, champagne champagne. It’s probably supposed to be a bit transparent as it goes on very thin. 2 thick coats are opaque however. Its also a bit darker when it dries.

That said, there’s something off about it. I like the color, just not on me. Maybe its that its too light for my skin, they’re about the same shade so it looks a bit weird. Might look good if you have a tan or are a person of color. OTOH maybe if you have really white hands it might stand out well, I dunno.

The other thing is, while my inner 8-year-old girl loves it… well that’s it. My inner 8-year-old girl would also love to look like a Bratz doll. To me, this color seems to occupy a space on the innocent/sexy spectrum that feels a bit too trashy and wrong. Cute maybe, but it also says “Jem and the Holograms” and as much as I love her, I’d like to avoid that kthx. My "Truly Outrageous" days are over. Or maybe it just says “jailbait whore” and that’s worse. But against my better judgement, I’ll keep using this color till its gone. There are worse things one “Should Not Wear Despite Liking” than nail polish; there’s far more room for embarrassment and fail in certain dresses, hairstyles and makeup.

This one does come off rather easily. At first, the color comes off but the glitter stays on which actually looks kinda cool. Not that I would rock it either, mind.

Trapped in the Arcade #3

2009-06-23T20:50:00.000-07:00

By Kittie and Purrsephone

Ms. Pac-Man

Herstory:

Kittie: According to legend, Pac-Man creator Toru Iwatani of Namco was looking @ a pizza with one slice missing and decided to make a game about eating. The result, Pac-Man, was a, if not THE videogame sensation of the time. With its simple controls (one joystick, no buttons) and singular dot-munching mechanics, it remains a classic and a fucking blast to play today. If you disagree, you either think videogames were invented by Shigeru Miyamoto or can't fathom any game that doesn't involve a "space marine" waving his giant railgun/plasma-cannon penis substitute around in (usually) 1st-person perpsective.

Pac-Man also broke with its contemporaries and immediate successors, which for the most part had to do with war (usually …in space!) or sports. Things like Space Invaders, Asteroids, Pong. Pac-Man and his googly-eyed ghostly adversaries were *cute* and in their maze, with its dots and pills and cherries, et cetera, inhabited a plane that didn't make much sense. But apparently nobody cared enough abut backstory to not keep pumping quarters into the machines.

Then a team of enterprising Yanks @ General Computer and Midway decided to 1-up (geddit) Namco and make their own Pac-Man sequel. So they made Pac-Man a girl. I mean, wouldn't you? Like Empire Strikes Back, Ms. Pac-Man was a sequel arguably better than the original; Ms. Pac-Man's mazes *changed* ffs. Also like how the rest of the Star Wars saga is utter pish, Namco and Midway couldn't improve on Ms. Pac-Man... the half-pinball-machine Pac-Man Jr. being The Phantom Menace of the lot... oh, OK, I'll give them the recent Pac-Man Championship Edition. Anyway, Ms. Pac-Man can stand by her man, not as an equal but as a superior, the game has endured the best out of any of the old ones.

Yeah, I said, "her man", much like they changed the name of the game from the vastly lulzier "Puck-Man" (for obvious reasons) they musta thought, "hey kids are gunna think Pac-Man got a sex change hurr durr durr" ... maybe all those pills Pac-Man ate were really estrogen? So they made Ms. Pac-Man his wife/girlfriend. And inserted cutscenes of them meeting cute, or as cute as a couple can meet whilst being chased by homicidal ghosts. But I know drag when I see it. I say Pac-Man is a trannychaser and Pac-Baby is adopted.

Curiously, the orange ghost/monster was renamed "Sue". Did "Clyde" refuse to fight girls? Did he call in sick and his sister Sue filled in? Or was Sue really "Clyde" once upon a time? I don't know. One would think "Pinky" would be the girl but maybe he's just gay. Or just likes the color pink.

Purrsephone: Anyone who thinks we’re reading into the “ambiguous gender” of the first lady of video games needs to check out this 1982 ad.

Let me get out my “drag queen checklist”. Heavy, costume-y makeup. Check. Long gloves to disguise large hands and muscular arms. Check. Stole so furry it would make Alicia Silverstone cry until she died of dehydration. Check. Unreasonably fabulous legs and ability to walk in high heels without tripping or complaining every five fucking seconds about how uncomfortable they are. Check and check.

Yeah. Sorry, Pac-Man. You’re secret’s out. But don’t worry, we won’t tell anyone.

Judging by the SS officer waiting for her at the limo, it’s probably in our best interest to pretend we didn’t see anything.

Strengths:

Kittie: Get this, it's Ms. Pac-Man, not "Miss" or "Mrs.", she's a *feminist*. The 70's had just happened, after all. But a "sexy" feminist. Even before Madonna, a primitive videogame prefigured the stuff of countless tl;dr Camille Paglia rants. And you didn't have to listen to Madonna. Or Camille Paglia. By being more sucessful than Mr.Pac-Man, she's also smashed through the glass ceiling, at least as measured in quarters. And as the first real videogame heroine, Ms.Pac-Man also paradoxically marked the first, and nearly the last time women weren't objectified in games. (Even Samus strips down, you know.)

With her giant bow, huge fake eyelashes, red lipstick and Monroe beauty mark (again beating Madge to the punch) Ms. Pac-Man flaunted a kind of retro pin-up glamour. It wasn't trendy yet, but it's classic. And a lot better than alot of the fashion disasters of the 70's and 80's. She's sultry, she's sassy, she's fierce. Ms. Pac-Man is running things, at least until the ghosts catch up to her. And while she may be there for your entertainment, boys, just give her your quarters and fuck off.

And as a BBW, Ms. Pac-Man stands, proudly, for fat acceptance. She's not any skinnier than her boyfriend (Nia Vardalos approves) and honestly, what would you expect of the Pac-People? They do a lot of running around, true, but it's only to eat. And eat. And eat. Maybe the dots are really falafel. Or hushpuppies. Or donut holes. Hey, I feel hungry. Actually, maybe she's the clean, videogame Mae West (another rumored transwoman, who @ the least she took parts of her stage persona from drag queens.)

Oh, ok, Ms. Pac-Man's designers really had a limited number of pixels to work with. Like how Miyamoto couldn't give Mario a mouth but gave him a non-ironic pornstar stache (for which we are grateful). They did a pretty good job. Considering they coulda given her pigtails. Or tits. You know they thought about it. But that wouldnt fly in a family arcade game. At any rate, if pixel artists were ffs surgeons, Ms.Pac-Man would look like she had some work done, but better than Calpernia Adams.

Purrsephone: Calpernia Adams is faker than pro wrestling and more overhyped than that concert I went to on 6/6/06 where the band was supposed to invoke Satan but only managed to summon the Fire Marshall and my eternal shame.

The one thing I’ll say about Ms Pac-Man’s style is that it’s timeless, and fortunately so. Pin-up is forever and not just because that’s the horse I’m backing these days.

If you walked into an arcade and saw her sprawled across the top of the machine in leg warmers and teased hair with an oversized t-shirt with the excess fabric held together with a neon clip on one side of the torso, you and your friends would have gone “oh great, Molly Ringwald got her own video game. Fuck this, I’m playing Tempest” and that would have been it for her, the Pac franchise, women as protagonists in video games, and since this is my scenario, would cause a chain of events leading up to Ronald Reagan overthrowing Congress and becoming dictator for life until he goes off in search of the fountain of youth and returns with a bag of milk and some gummi bears and a way too proud look on his face.

The best kind of retro styles are the ones that actually looked good back when they were “the fad”.

Weaknesses:

Kittie: Well, yeah. She is garish. Maybe you wouldn't bring her home to Mom. I imagine Pac-Man's parents being kinda old and convinced their son is gay, were more than happy when he brought her to Thanksgiving dinner - even if she looks like she may have a penis, asked Pac-Man for his credit card number first or was imported from Thailand. (or all 3!) Maybe she can tone down the makeup.

I think she should keep the bow, it's sweet. Which brings up another point. clothes? With no visible naughty bits, Pac-People might not need clothes. And it may be hard to find clothes when your body mainly consists of a large, mouthy head. But what if they updated Ms.Pac-Man to dress lolita? Wouldn't that be kawaii? ^_^ Ok, no... but of course it would! Or in keeping with her pin-up style, maybe a bikini. Or a sexy dress. With fishnets. If you're already looking halfway like a drag queen or whore, why not go all the way? Add a feather boa. A tiara in place of the bow?

Or hair? Again, Pac-People may be bald. But maybe some nice bettie-banged locks. In red to stand out against the black of the maze? Or in keeping with her 80's origins, something like Jem... maybe I'm reaching here...

Actually one could almost applaud Namco/Midway for not putting her in a "Let's Play Dress-Up, Girls!" game. At least not to my knowledge.

Purrsephone: I used to have “Bettie Page bangs”. They gave me OCD. I was constantly checking them in the mirror to make sure they were even, lest one hair miraculously grow out faster than the others.

I always thought they should have done a two-player “Mr & Ms Pacman” game where you and a friend worked as a team to eat all the ghosts or whatever, and Pacman would wear a derby hat and a tie, and Pacman would wear a polka dot dress, to sort of play up on the whole “video game sitcom couple “ theme they toyed with in the cartoon.

It should be noted that in the television series, they gave her hair, along with matching pink high heeled boots to go with her bow. Perhaps not surprisingly, this doesn’t disqualify our “tranny Pacman” theory.

When you take into account the lack of hair and the atrociously applied makeup, it does leave you to wonder if Midway was trying to trick boys into playing this game by saying “see? Boys can play this. That’s not really a girl, it’s just Pac Man playing a joke on you.”

The sad part is that in my head that actually made sense.

Kittie: This means that Ms. Pac-Man is the ultimate Trapped in the Arcade character? Y/Y

While I didn't dare to search for Rule 34 images of her, a Google image search for "Ms. Pac-Man" brings up this lovely from (where else?) DeviantArt :

ummm...

Verdict:

Purrsephone: Ms Pac Man’s outfit, much like her conception, didn’t have a whole lot of motivation beyond “it’s like boy Pac-Man, but different”. On the other hand, you can’t discount the good work she’s done for women in video games and all that other hippie bullshit.

I give her a solid 3.5 out of 5 cherries.

Kittie: Despite all the good she did, and her stab @ classic style, Ms. Pac-Man is still the fashion equivalent of clearing nearly the whole damn board in record time, along with eating all four ghosts repeatedly, only to have two of the resurrected fuckers trap you from either direction with no other exit. With one dot left on the board. All because you had to get those damn cherries.

3.5 Cherries it is.

Bed Of Nails #1: OPI's Reds

2009-06-23T20:31:00.000-07:00

by Purrsephone

I have a thing about painted nails.

I won't leave the house unless my nails are done. There's something about naked nails that just irritates the hell out of me. What was once a neurosis that could be chalked up to “a mostly harmless eccentricity” has become a full-blown compulsion. It's gotten so bad that I refuse to touch any hands that aren't manicured. Something about naked, jagged or scuffed nails that just screams, well, it screams a lot of things at me, and they all have one thing in common: admitting them would make me look like a vain and shallow bitch.

I will not a date a girl who don't do her nails. It's okay if the paint becomes chipped or if not all of the nails are the same length and shape, as long as at some point they are covered and opaque.

Needless to say, I don't date a lot of butches. Reason number 3258 why other lesbians don't consider me part of “the club”.

Whatever. I lied when I said I liked the L Word. Fuckers.

While I won't bash acrylic nails, I don't do them, because with all the time I spend huddled in a corner in my bathroom wondering I couldn't just have been born this way I don't have time to relearn how to play guitar or bass with Lady Deathstrike nails protruding from my fingers.

Besides, I'm the writer, and I prefer to paint my nails, so that's the angle we're going with on this.

At first glance painting your nails would seem as simple as picking out a color and putting it on your skin. But this is a fashion blog which means there's gotta be all these levels of fucking aesthetics to wade through before you start Picasso-ing yourself.

Every color of every brand has its own personality, its own strengths and weaknesses, etc. You know the drill. I'm going to talk on end about something most well-adjusted people just take at face value. Story. Of. My. Life.

For the first few sections of these we'll be covering OPI, because in my opinion it's the best brand out there. OPI is a salon-quality brand and can be found in most respectable salons, thought it costs about $8.50 a bottle if you feel like DIYing it.

While I happily endorse OPI and all of its colors, one thing I will condone is their base coat. While it will make your nails glossy and pretty, it won't do fuck all to protect against the tearing and chipping that frustrates so many femme MtFs on HRT. For this, I suggest Hard As Nails as Nutranail. Unlike OPI, you should be able to find these products at your local Walgreens or equivalent of.

Today we're going to cover some of OPI's red flavors, with some hints and ideas peppered in so it looks like I'm actually working hard instead of regurgitating my opinions in the form of factual fashion.

I'm Not Really A Waitress – One of OPI's most popular shades and my mother's favorite, which is why it took me so long to get around to giving it an honest try. Of all the things my mother could have in common with me that would make me swear them off forever, nail polish is pretty benign. It's a very robust and vibrant “Chianti red” that is rather remarkable and hard to ignore despite its utilitarian moniker. It's very dark and bold, making it good for most skin types, though it will definitely stand out on someone with light skin. I would definitely classify this as a “serious” color, something you could wear out on a date or at your office job without losing too much face, at least until you realize after the fact that the chances of you getting that raise in the midst of a recession are slimmer than a hunger striker protesting oxygen, and no amount of sucking the boss' dick was going to change that. I would wear this color when meeting someone up for coffee. It looks so good with a mocha backdrop. .

Catherine The Grape – Here's a hint for anyone else on this blog's staff who I might be sleeping with in the future: violet is my favorite color. The name of this one says it all...it has the same hue as every synthetic grape-flavored sugar you've ever choked down on a hot summer day. It looks best on either tanned or dark skin; with light, you're better off with something like Midnight in Moscow, which is more of a charcoal maroon but still has that dark violet affectation of CtG. When this one chips, it leaves the nail beneath it a blackish-grey that won't come out unless you get out the acetone. This happens no matter how many coats of base you put on. Violet (or “purple” as the monkeys call it these days) can be both serious and silly, depending on the context. If you wore this color with a sensible black or white top, you might look pretty smart. With any other color, though, you'll look like you've just stepped off the set of a children's show. I once tried to paint my nails all the colors of the rainbow flag, but this one proved to be too dark and metallic to fit with the others. Which is fine. At least I know which one goes up, Phoenix Pride...

Venus di Violet – This color looks like shit on any skin color, even the ones that only exist on OPI's little “try it on” simulation. You would either have to have skin so light it was damn near transparent, or so dark that when you go to night school teacher marks you absent. Either way...I'm going to be accused of racism within the week.

A Oui Bit Of Red – I'm actually wearing this color right now. A brilliant fire truck red that will give you that classic “red lacquered” look we know from the movies and other stereotype-enforcing forms of media. Because of its brightness and vibrancy, it is very noticeable, this is the color to wear if you're feeling cocky about your manicure. For those who still have to switch from boy mode to girl mode on occasion, this color doesn't cross the gender threshold without a fight; while it is not unheard of for men to wear red nail polish, this one isn't dark or angsty looking enough, it might arouse suspicion. Or, on the other hand, compliments from girl friends. If you actually have girl friends who take time out of their busy busy lives to give you compliments, please show them the link to this blog. If my cis girl friends “correct my girl fashion” one more fucking time... Anyway. This is a great color to wear out on a date. Once, I did a ladybug pattern with some black. It takes a little longer than normal, since you have to wait for the red to dry before you start dotting it with black, but since you're only applying little tiny dots you could get lazy about it and use one of those 60-second express brands that dry up real fast because once you're dealing with that tiny of an amount it really doesn't matter what quality it is. Top coat is very important, though, since the raised texture leaves your nails more prone to scuffing.

On The Same Paige – This is more of an orange-red and very summery. Just looking at it makes me want to wear a sundress and drink lemon water. What the hell is the difference between lemon water and lemonade? Oh no, I managed to botch the easiest fucking recipe since rum and coke, but that's okay, I'll just give it a fancy name like “lemon water”. See? I'm still a productive member of the species? Looks best on very light skin. Will look ridiculous if worn in the winter, but maybe that's the appeal.

Shoe Pr0n

2009-06-17T21:23:00.001-07:00

Lets buy some shoes...

Just showing off, I got these 3 pairs for $30! 2 different thrift/resale shops... I don't mind buying used shoes. Provided they don't smell! I'm also 5'10 and have big feets (size 11, often 12 in high heels)

Left to right:

TUK Peep-toe wedges with corset detailing. These are actually new. And really cute. Unfortunately they are really cheaply made. TUK makes some good things, like Anarchic Mary Janes (Doc Marten knock-offs) and some flats. And other things are just the cheapest Made in China stuff you can find. Except for maybe Demonia.

Target, I mean, "Isaac Mizrahi for Target" Quite well made, real patent leather (pinches less than pleather) have tall chunky heels like old fashioned dancing shoes. They go with a variety of retro outfits from the 20's to 50's. Barely worn, too!

Cole-Haan Red pumps! These are really high quality, not worn much either, thx you ladies who only wear shoes a few times before getting rid of them. I'm not wild about kiltie detailing, this is the first time I've seen it and it didn't make me queasy, here it makes them look a bit more grown up. Fuck-me pumps, mayybe, if you went on a classy date first. Pretty sure that's real crocodile too.

You can't have too many shoes, btw. I know my collection is comfortably in the double digits and know it will be in the triple digits soon enough.

Tuck Her Carlson: A Guide To Getting Rid Of The Body (Wink Wink)

2009-06-17T21:22:00.000-07:00

by Purrsephone

When Kittie told me she was starting a beauty blog for trans women, I was so excited at the prospect of giving fashion advice that I pleaded with her to add me as a contributor. It wasn't until a day or two later when I casually checked my “Things I Am Not” list that I remembered I was not particularly fashionable or good at giving any advice.

As both a BBW and a trans woman, I'm unwelcome in just about every clothing outlet in my city. Once, I tried to buy a dress at Torrid. The three salespeople, all of whom stood behind the counter the whole time, looked away from me and would not respond to my very verbal attempts to grab their attention. This went on for twenty minutes, after which one of them broke the silence only to tell me the store was closing and that I needed to leave. Moral of the story: my wardrobe isn't anything to write home about.

But what I lack in “thread cred” I make up for in practical “experience in the field”, at least that's what I've convinced myself of anyway. Being a 6' lesbian transzilla in Arizona, I'm used to being under intense inspection by onlookers at all hours of the day, and have learned over the months how to cover up the evidence of my born gender. So today we're going to talk about “burying your bone” as I like to say. That's right. We're gonna learn how to tuck it, cover it up, and scare it into hiding.

Hope you're okay with that, because it's all I got for now.

The Tuck

The oldest and most celebrated method. According to anatomists and drag queens everywhere, there exists a cavity in our pelvis where our testicles used to live before they dropped last Thursday. It is possible to push the “pelvic cleaveage” as I like to call it back up into this cavity (if this is your first time trying it I suggest lying on your back or having your partner or a very very good friend help you out with this). Once this is done, you can tuck your penis/ladydick/stickpussy and scrotum between your legs. It's a little uncomfortable at first, especially the first couple of times you try to sit down, but it sure as hell beats having the saleslady at The Gap point at your bulge when you ask to try something on the dressing room.

Pro: With this method you can wear just about anything. Even bathing suits will be as easy as your mom on a “slow Tuesday”.

Con: Some girls' balls get too big to be put back in that cavity. So, make sure you know which side of that fence you're on before you RSVP to that pool party.

The Double Up

This method involves wearing two pairs of underwear, usually a bikini and either boy shorts or hipsters. The only real instructions I have to offer on this approach is to wear the looser fitting pair of underwear on the bottom, lest you bunch up. Oh, and if you piss yourself, it will be doubly embarrassing.

It's worth nothing, though, that after a few months of estrogen, your whatever you call it might shrink significantly, requiring you only to go halfsies. Just cut out holes in the other pair of underwear and use it like a tank top like this http://rejectedreality.files.wordpress.com/2007/11/redneck-tank-top.jpg

Pro: It doesn't require as much adjustment as tucking it in, and is a suitable alternative if you, for whatever reason, cannot do the tuck in (for the record, I am part of that freakish minority, so don't feel bad, unless you're one of those people who can, in which case, eat a dick).

Con: Unless you live in Siberia, this will make you miserable in your pants. Like a blowjob with teeth.

The Tape

This is like tucking it in instead you use tape (surgical works best) to do all the work.

Pro: This is as simple (and pleasant) as taping your dick to your ass.

Con: As Isis from America's Next Top Model proved, this is by far the most unreliable plan of attack, especially if you intend on doing any swimming. Also, as global warming gets worse, this method will become more and more inefficient, so either switch to tucking or plant a tree somewhere. Preferably one that produces fruit so you can minimize your food miles and bake me a fucking pie because if you've got time to read this blog you got time to make me a pie, bitch.

GB2KITCHEN!

Join us next time where I cover how to use foundation to cover up pre-laser, pre electrolysis stubble. This one will actually feature pics.

Pluck Your Damn Eyebrows

2009-06-16T21:41:00.001-07:00

Yes, we are eyebrow nazis here. why, because it works. It looks good and makes you look more feminine.

Don't baww @ us if you think your thick brows are just fine.They're not. There are maybe only 3 girls who could get away with masculine eyebrows and they are...

No they are:

...although these brows were just weird, as much as I love her.

...Hermione, lol

...girl won an Oscar...

As Purrsephone says, "...and you'll never be any of them". You could add Salma Hayek (lovely) or Denise Richards (gross) to the list but @ least their brows are well-tended... and let's face it, nobody's looking @ their eyebrows. Or...

Bill, funny name for a girl, no? Except he really just looks like an odd, pretty boy which is what he is. That or the spawn of Rozz Williams, "Spin me Round" era Pete Burns and a Tesla coil. 34 that, fuckers.

Srsly, some cisgirls get away with it, others look like utter shit. At any rate a cisgirl with thick brows is going to look a bit more masculine, a transgirl is going to look like a guy.

Next to shit foundation, this is probably noob mistake #1.

Some excuses:

1. "Don't force your femme fascist body image bullshit on me, I'm a dyke."
Well, "dyke" and "femme" are pretty broad categories, no? Some of us here @ thee Cathouse may identify as one, the other or both. And honestly honey, you don't look like a "dyke" you look like a guy, so why not try something "femme"?

2. "I'm not trying to pass" or "I'm genderqueer"
See "Cover Girl" article below. There's a difference between "not passing" and "looking like shit". I'm also getting a bit sick of "genderqueer" (which is a valid category imo) being used as an excuse for fail. If you are reading this blog, you probably are doing so to avoid the fail (or @ the least, enjoy our mockery of it).

3. "But I'm just starting out / live as a boy part (or most) of the time, won't ppl notice?"
When I started doing mine, next to nobody noticed or even cared. Only a few girls did and they liked the way it looked. Yes, I was a "boy" @ the time. It even took them a while to figure out what was different about me. Boy or girl, it was a definite improvement.

How I do them:

First you need a good pair of tweezers. These come from Germany or France and should set you back $10-20. Brands I've liked are Tweezerman and Nippes.

Now I actually learned this by watching MTV House of Style, so don't say MTV isn't good for anything. First you get a picture of a (preferably famous) girl you want to imitate. I used Victoria Beckham, Posh Spice, stfu I used to love her. Then you draw that shape on your brows with an eyebrow or eyeliner pencil. Pluck all the hairs off outside that shape. Wash off the pencil marks. (I like the Comodynes makeup remover pads myself, available @ Trader Joes!) Then tidy up your brows. Eventually you'll learn the shape what works for you and just do it every time w/o drawing.

Note: In my experience, the eyebrow closer to your dominant hand comes out better. My left one ends up too thick or thin @ first so I have to go back and match them up. This is a pain, but worth it.

Alternatively, go to a salon. But I've always done my own eyebrows and ppl like the results.

You can also buy eyebrow stencil kits (Anastasia is one) available @ places like Sephora. Afraid my face would be too big for it or something, but may try and post the results here.

Of course, they can be plucked too thin or too weird. Usually, its girls who have shaved off their whole brows and drawn on new ones. (Both goths and cholas are notorious for this.) See the glorious lj community bad_eyebrows for the thick and thin of eyebrow fail.

International Transgender Music Videos Tiem!

2009-06-16T21:03:00.000-07:00

Thx to Madame Alexis, http://madamealexis.livejournal.com/profile ...one of my oldest and bestest lj friends (I'm so emo!) ...One thing I love is her posting of international music videos from Europe and beyond. Today, the videos are all from TG artists:

Dana International from Israel, probably the only Eurovision winner I ever cared about. (Besides ABBA and Lordi)

Harisu from South Korea:

Also, Lady from Korea:

I was really disappointed that Via Gra from Ukraine were cisgirls and not trans however.

Our band will pwn them all mwahahaha!

Trapped In The Arcade #2

2009-06-15T19:25:00.000-07:00

brought to you by Purrsephone

BRIDGET (Guilty Gear XX)

Herstory: On interwebz, they have saying: Everyone is gay for Bridget. Second only to I-No in “(failed) cosplay by fangirls and fanboys alike”, Bridget is easily among the most recognized names in the Guilty Gear franchise, despite appearing in only two installments of the series.

Unlike previous inductee Poison, there is no gray area to her gender; the game's canon openly acknowledges that she is a boy living as a woman, a product of the “we, for whatever reason, raised our child as a different gender and then waited until they got old enough to tell them that their life was a lie” trend so common in the manga aisle of your local bookstore.

“Then why do you keep calling her a 'her' if you know she's a boy?” you might ask. Well, two reasons. One, out of habit; I refer to anyone dressed in female clothing “she” unless corrected by the person in question. Two, the game's literature claims that Bridget works as a bounty hunter “to prove 'his' masculinity”. I want you to take a look at those pictures and say that last statement aloud and see if you don't develop a twitch in your eye. Trying to prove your masculinity while dressed as a jailbait nun is about about as effective as singing a Wesley Willis song at a Broadway audition (yeah, that's right, wikipedia it, bitch!). Methinks her home-schooled “gender theory” has left her a little unclear about gender roles. I'd blame the parents, but seeing as how they're not around, I'll just blame my own. If my father asks who hung a pinata filled with monkey shit from his car antenna, you keep your fucking mouth shut.

Without a doubt, Bridget is queen of the video game traps and the devastator of sexual identity. Mentioning her on any message board is sure to light the place up with laymen debates on gender and sexuality, which I imagine would be as nourishing to your intellect as watching your dog try to pass a kidney stone.

Does fapping to Bridget make you gay? Probably not. But it does make you a predator.

Strengths: Bridget's look has something for everyone. Whether you like loli, nuns, trannies, or oversized handcuffs, one way or another she's determined to get your attention. While I prefer my ladies to have curves, I can appreciate someone willing to flaunt their flat-chested petite-ness. Like I said with Poison, when you have legs that beautiful, just dress around them and let them do all the talking. Her color scheme matches her eyes and hair, a fashion choice that would benefit about, well, all of you reading this. Yes, I know that black top matches your dark and bottomless heart, but how can you expect to bring home your own little Edward if you don't find a way to bring out your eyes? Ugh, surprisingly, that made me feel dirtier than fapping to a video game character ever will. On a related note, kudos for not going the traditional “black and white” nun. Although I have never seen a blue and white-colored nun in my life (except maybe in anime/mangas), I'd be willing to forgo that fact for the sake of the fantasy. The habit also has a way of accentuating her tiny, feminine frame. And the handcuff is, well, neat.

Weaknesses: Nothing perplexes and irritates me like cuffs that have no fucking sleeves. The only people to ever pull that look off convincingly are the Playboy Bunnies. Because when you're already dressed in 1/10 of a bunny suit, you figure “why not invisible sleeves?” I could do without the crucifix, if only because of my inability to “get off” while in the presence of any religious symbol that is not the face of Bob Dobbs. The habit creates an interesting silhouette but if left unchecked could permutate into a mojo-squashing poncho. From certain angles you look like the top half of a Russian doll cut out and put onto the legs of a mannequin who is about to cost someone their job at The Gap. Also, a little blue eye shadow wouldn't have killed you. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to snark at someone who might offer me a more titillating rebuttal than a look that says “yeah well, you'd still do if I was old enough and you weren't a jaded and sexually awkward dickgirl”. Bitch.

Final Score: 3.5 out of 5 low punches.

Smooth Away: I Try This Shit So You Don’t Have To

2009-06-14T20:48:00.000-07:00

As seen on TV! Discovered in Europe! They are advertising these pretty heavy on the sides of buses here so I decided to try them. Remember your mom told you if something seems too good to be true, it probably isn’t. But @ $10, it’s worth a try, in the name of journalism and all that.

Perhaps this article will bore you and you’d rather read about my new way to tuck my junk in tight jeans. Or maybe you’d like to see the epic goth wedding post below, I would. OK, longstoryshort, these don’t work well enough to buy them, and because it’s far worse to waste time than waste money, why not repay me with that $10? (Journalistic integrity be damned, I’ll probably buy a lipstick with it.)

I may need a tag for shit_you_can_get_@_Walgreens because Smooth Away is available in that section of their stores dedicated to other “as seen on TV” products, like ShamWow! And that fucking blanket with sleeves. WTF? You get two rubber buffers, one large, one small and 5 removeable pads in each size. Pads are made by 3M and look like the unholy union of sandpaper and post-it notes.

That’s the problem, though, if they were rougher, maybe they’d work better. At the least I was jazzed that they exfoliate but still, they don’t really feel like anything. They *do* get the hair off, somewhat. It works on stubble, not on hairs more than ¼ inch thick as the manual tells you. And it first it works OK, mainly on the bony parts the your legs, but not the fleshy. I am following the directions and stuff. Pull the skin tight, buff clockwise 3 times then counterclockwise 3 times, then repeat. You may get into sort of a zen-state from these Karate Kid motions, but @ least Daniel-san was learning karate while Mr. Miyagi was getting some work done around the house for free. The problem is, and maybe my legs are too fleshy or my hairs too thick (likely) but it just turns into a tedious exercise in futility. The pads do seem to wear out really quickly, I can feel it. But even so, when they work, they get your legs about as smooth as a razor, if even. Depilatory creams are smoother. I just decided to jump in the shower and shave off the rest.

I can’t really recommend this product for that reason. Maybe if your skin is really sensitive as these really don’t irritate the skin in anyway apart from a few patches of slight redness. Or if your body hair is really fine. Otherwise, idgi.

Totally flat crotch! Yes!

2009-06-14T20:37:00.000-07:00

...Maybe you need one to wear tight jeans, like me. (I'm not insubstantial in that area)

There are different ways of tucking yourself, either involving duct tape or wearing 2 pairs of tight stretchy underpants (a thong under boy shorts works well) and they may involving sticking your nuts up in yourself. You can even buy a gaffe/dance belt that holds your junk in.

For jeans in particular, I just found these No Nonsense “Ultimate Shapers” that work a treat. See!

Look at my fucking crotch, look. These are some tightass jeans. Oh, OK, I’ll take some pix of just the shapers.

More than just the top of control top pantyhose, these are their version of Spanx, I guess. These go to mid-thigh. They make them in capri length as well and another mid-thigh style with a butt-lifter. I've got really toned legs so really it doesn't do much, ok, holds my belly in and makes my butt look nice. And while I don't think NN intended this, they are a really nice, comfortable way to tuck. You don't have to do anything special to your junk, just put these on as regular underpants. That’s right, no sticking your balls op there, hey just sort of compress your bits

They are really small but stretchy and strong, so they are kinda a pain to put on, but once they're on, they're on. Sizing is like pantyhose, its done by height and weight. But there are only 3 sizes from M to XL covering a huge difference, from 5’2 to 6’0 tall and 120-240 lbs. And there is considerable overlap between each size. You may want to get a size up at first. And if you are over 6 feet I wouldn’t really worry since they’ll just be shorter.

I really hope they make these in a more panty- or boyshorts-shape, as they are now they would be useless under short dresses and skirts (unless you wanna pretend they are leggings, to me I don't think it would look right) but under jeans, yes, they are perfect. Spose if one were resourceful, one could just shorten the legs, cutoff style. Each pair is like $7 @ Walgreens so it’s no big deal.

In Sickness And In Death: Goth Wedding Fails

2009-06-13T18:54:00.000-07:00

By Kittie and Purrsephone

(Macros by us, blank pix were from http://community.livejournal.com/lolcreeps/ on the interwebbutts)

Apart from it being LGBT Pride Month (as declared by President Barack “I’m so gay-proud of you for putting up with DADT, DOMA, and Barney Frank too!” Obama) June is also the time of the year when happy couples (or not so happy, in the case of Goths) tie the knot., presumably forever, til death do us part (or undead, in the case of Goths) …blahblahblah, unless you’re gay in California, of course….

As these lovely lolgoths show, Goths are by no means immune to this archaic, yet somehow very popular ritual…

Kittie: This why Goths need to SEE A DAMN DENTIST before they wear dark lipstick or paint their faces white. Not that they should be doing the latter. And even Siouxsie Sioux mocks the bride’s eyebrow fail..

Purrsephone: Is this like one of those “Anna Nicole” type marriages where the geezer nails a hot young “great personality” and then after he dies she inherits his collection of vintage Addams Family lunchboxes?

Kittie: Either that or she gets the secret fried chicken recipe.

Kittie: alternatively, “…musta robbed a tomb.”

Purrsephone: Look how old this guy is. In the time it took them to take these two pictures he’s already aged by like 5 human years. The secret to the sauceless hot wing will be hers in no time.

Kittie: Actually I don’t know if she’s got a yeast infection, but it rhymes! Oh, ok, it’s true.

Purrsephone: Boy George Impersonators: When You Can’t Afford Elvis.

Kittie: Nothing says everlasting sacred love than a New Romantic b-lister in a spandex robe..

Kittie: Let’s count the fails in this picture… Eyebrows, makeup, whatever that shit is on her head…See, this is why this blog is never about *people* only the fail they inflict upon themselves. Actually, I’m kinda goth and I wanna get married in a black dress, I’ve even got the dress! It’s not too “goth” but it’s a lot better than this ill-fitting mélange she’s got on. Is that a nightgown? Clearance rack @ Astaroth’s Secret?

Nothing fits in this picture. Not even her coffin fits!

Purrsephone. One size does not fit all. Also, I get to be a bridesmaid, right?

Kittie: @ My wedding, oh yes!

Purrsephone: Something old, something new, something you’ve fucked, something blue.

Kittie: I actually think the girls look quite tasty here! But I almost think this has to be from a fetish or horror video, the wigs, the hooded priest, the fog machine, wtf? I expect the Blood Orgy of Hecate to break out or something.

I just dunno whose bright idea was to have the bride and the maids wear underwear, while the guys dress like 1930’s gangsters? Probably the groom’s idea.

Purrsephone: Finally, after centuries of anticipation, we’ve been treated to the union of the two most unholy forces on earth, big-chested bondage models and the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies. Poor girls look cold as shit. Elvira talked her friends into standing around in their underwear wearing fake red wigs and even faker smiles and Gomez couldn’t bother to shave himself. This is why I don’t date dudes.

Kittie: Thank you for reminding me of the existence of the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies.

Purrsephone: Just doin’ mah job, ma’am.

Kittie: Actually I think this was just an “outfit” …oh, Goths… and not a 3-way vampire wedding. Kinda disappointing when you think about it.

Purrsephone: “And that’s when Bella realized the benefits of Mormonism…”

Kittie: This girl is hecka cute! And she’s resourceful – costume shop tie, tulle headdress from the remnant pile @ the fabric store. I’m not so sure about the groom.

Purrsephone: Is he wearing a backpack to his own wedding?

Kittie: Look like. Or maybe it’s a parachute and he’s plotting a quick escape.

Purrsephone: “They all laughed at me. ‘You’re dumb as hell, Jeff, who gets married on top of Sears Tower?’ I’LL SHOW THEM! I’LL SHOW THEM ALL!”

Kittie The girl with the black bangs and red dress probably got confused and dressed “pin-up” instead of goth.

Purrsephone: No wonder they had to opt for the Boy George Impersonator. They hired Chris Rock to play the reception.

Kittie: I bet they requested “No Sex in the Champagne Room”. Well, I would.

The groom looks like Johnny Depp starring in the Tim Burton version of “Mein Kampf”. The guy on the far right reminds me why the part of the 1960’s Joker went to Cesar Romero and not Danny Kaye. I bet his flower squirts absinthe though. The bride looks like the offspring of a Victorian prostitute and a Dalek.

Purrsephone: “EXFOLIATE! EXFOLIATE!”

I quite like the bride in this one, but…

Kittie: Such a cute girl! And she’s hella happy. H8 the cheap opera gloves, the eyebrows , the makeup, the Lord of the Rings-type thingy on her head… and the corset is up to her armpits! Look @ her arms, she’s overweight but carries it well, where you can’t tell, kinda like Drew Barrymore or well, me. She probably has cute girls, therefore she should set them free from this corset.

Purrsephone: I want to snark her but she just looks so goddam happy I can’t bring myself to do it. Like when your friend tells you they’ve found god and now they have the strength to quit heroin and stop dickslapping puppies. Goth style will not cover up your inefficiencies at makeup or wardrobe. It makes homely girls hideous and hot girls “easy on the eyes”. You have to learn the rules before you break them, I don’t care what Hot Topic tells you.

Kittie: But *real* Goths don’t shop @ Hot Topic, amirite? I think I heard that somewhere.

Purrsephone: Where? On GothChan? Is there a GothChan? Please tell me there is. My faith in the internet depends upon it.

Kittie: Yeah, GothChan was cool before the cancer, now its full of newgoths repeating the same memes. “Yo, dawg, I herd you pewp batz, so I put batz in yr batz so you can pewp batz while you pewp batz.” There’s even a SteamChan, “I herd u like airshipz.”

But dickslapping puppies? Really? Where do you get this shit?

Purrsephone: Funny. My proctologist asked me the same thing.

Snark Tank 2: FetLife Without Parole

2009-06-08T16:56:00.000-07:00

by Purrsephone and Cattlean

It would be tacky to copypasta the disclaimer onto every one of these articles, so this time we're just going to give you some background on our subject and some reasoning behind our seemingly meaningless jerkiness.

Remember going through parents' porn collection? At the very top of the pile was all the standard fare. Double D butt sluts and the occasional threesome. You know, kid's stuff. It's more than enough to fap to, but your curiosity simply isn't satisfied. You dig down further. Perhaps you stumble on some interracial or -gasp- transsexual rags. You dig deeper. The scandal is delicious but it simply isn't filling. Bondage midgets. Enema secretaries. Golden shower lesbians. Your first reaction is to cover it up, to just put it all back in the box and go back to playing with your pogs, but you know, you just know, that whatever's underneath these oddities will blow your mind. And there it is. The ghost that will haunt you every Christmas dinner and family reunion, that chill that goes up your spine every time your father gives you a hug, if your father is one of those “hugging types” who doesn't display his affection by beating you over the head with an ice tray while screaming at you to get a job.

Yeah, Fetlife is the opposite of that. To get to that fly honey in the center of the internet tootsie pop, you have to choke down the wave after wave of troglodyte erotica.

And while FetLife offers a wide variety of “gender markers” to place on your profile, like the “open door” buttons with the little wheelchair picture on them, the people who take advantage are almost always the people who shouldn't.

The likelihood of coming across a profile marked “MtF” only to find pictures of somebody's frustrated uncle who's only one “ASL” away from meeting Chris Hansen wearing nothing but granny panties is higher than you think.

The MtF tag, like Elijah Wood in Rob Reiner's crime against humanity “North”, is adopted by one unwanted horror after another, from closeted stocking connoisseurs to crossdressing dominatrices to the arch-nemeses of Snark Tank and the bane of jaded trans women everywhere: sissies.

Our relationship with sissies is one of love and hate. On the one hand, they (and the dommes who enable them) promote stereotypes by posting pictures of themselves in frilly outfits and calling themselves “t-girls” and perpetuate the patriarchal idea that womanhood and feminine beauty is inferior to macho manhood and should be used as a tool to shame and humiliate.

On the other hand, by giving us such good material to snark, sissies both validate our existence and ensure a continuing supply of the mockery and ridicule they need to beat off. So it's a win/win situation for everyone. Well played.

(FYI: Not all of our snarks are sissies. Some of them just don't know how to dress.)

Purrsephone: Jim Varney in “Ernest Wears A Costume To A Party That Is Not A Costume Party But Milks The Awkward Tension Long Enough To Make A 90 Minute Movie Only Four Guys In Kentucky Will Think Is Funny”.

Cattlean: It takes tremendous effort to make a plastic “golden shower”-colored hat the least ridiculous part of our outfit.

Purrsephone: That outfit is so horrid even Dave Chappelle is making black jokes about her.

Cattlean: “Sweetheart, is it okay if I borrow some of your 'threads'? I've got a swank party down at the TGI Friday's and I want, um, to be 'foine'.”

Purrsephone: “You still haven't returned my Twilight books, Mom. Not that I care anymore, cause Stephanie Meyer's a sell out and now everyone at Hot Topic is Edward's girlfriend, but still, whatever, you're such a tool, I can't stand you!”

Cattlean: Another successful New Year's Bash for the Alice Cooper Impersonator Society. Oh god. That was satisfying. It is easy being you.

Purrsephone: Does Hot Topic have a “pet” section I don't know about, or is there an uncollared bulldog hiding under a car hoping to get the drop on the animal control officer?

Cattlean: Her outfit says “black like my heart” but her face says “black like that thing that's still stuck up my pooper”.

Purrsephone: That's no way to talk in front of Don Henrie's grandma!

Cattlean: Your references are just going to become more and more obscure, aren't they?

Purrsephone: Your mom's becoming more and more obscure.

Cattlean: I see this picture and I don't even think “boy or girl?” All I think is “fried rice or more fried rice?”

Purrsephone: Retirement has not been good to Chun-Li.

Cattlean: You know this checks off the entire list of some guy's very specific collection of fetishes. I want to meet that person so I know who the hell I'll be avoiding the rest of my life.

Purrsephone: That grimace could only mean one thing. Someone is squeezing all the charmin.

Cattlean: Her right hand is already in karate chop condition in case you get too close to the pot stickers.

Purrsephone: A comment posted under this picture said “one look like that and the slave knows their place”. Yes. In line at the drive-thru.

Cattlean: That wig is so lifeless and ill-fitting that I'd actually believe that was her real hair.

Purrsephone: What her profile doesn't say is that she's actually a quarter Chinese. This has nothing to do with genetics. She ate the hostess at P.F. Chang's.

Cattlean: We should point out that Purrsephone is the token BBW of the Cathouse team, and while her comments suggest a severe case of displacement and self-loathing, they're not as hateful towards plus-sized people as they appear.

Purrsephone: Whereas you, at a dainty 150 pounds, are just a cunt.

Cattlean: Oh, you're fat and misogynist. No wonder they treat you like shit at Torrid.

Purrsephone: Yeah but they love me at Old Navy.

Purrsephone: If your nightmares were all contained in a corporate office complex, this would be Violently Beaten To Death By Mr. Magoo's receptionist.

Cattlean: Congratulations to whoever made this possible, you made “bring your sissy to work day” even more painful and uncomfortable than it had to be.

Purrsephone: You have to admire a sissy with a purpose. She doesn't have time for scrubbing floors and being hypnotized into liking the cock. She's too busy defending her domme's honor on youtube and flaming anyone who says her Coldplay fan video sucks. Or maybe she's just playing mindsweeper. As, um, punishment.

Cattlean: “For every bomb you click on you're going to get flogged!”

Purrsephone: I don't even think this counts as erotic humiliation. I think it's just abuse. I mean, look at her. She's not enjoying this in the least bit. Even her hair is cringing in disgust.

Cattlean: MTV's True Life: “I'm A 14 Year Old Girl On The Internet”.

Cattlean: “Hold on, girl. Let me get this straight. You put the lime in the coconut?”

Purrsephone: Someone alert Jim Gaffigan. We've found what lies “Beyond The Pale”.

Cattlean: “Meth? What meth?”

Purrsephone: On the set of “Sorority Boys”, Harland Williams attempts to do his own hair and makeup.

Cattlean: I can't tell which end of the “barf” spectrum this hair color falls into, and I'm not sure I want to know.

Purrsephone: Don't lie. Yes you do. I'm sure she'll tell you, as soon as the guy behind the camera stops trying to explain the physics of the TARDIS.

Cattlean: Okay, this relationship isn't going to work if you keep making references to things even I dont know about.

Purrsephone: It's called wikipedia.

Cattlean: It's called get a life.

Purrsephone: This is what Dick Cheney was aiming at when he shot his friend in the face.

Cattlean: If you look close enough, in the background you can see Sasquatch taking pictures of her.

Purrsephone: Those aren't fashionable accessories. Many have tried to capture her and failed. She wears their nets as trophies.

Cattlean: The first one lures you in with their “mating dance” while the other two ambush you from the sides.

Purrsephone: This was the last thing you see before your dick is chewed off.

Cattlean: Where is your god now, patrons of the botanical garden?

Cattlean: Who do you think would masturbate more furiously to this picture: Larry Craig or Fred Phelps?

Purrsephone: Rejected Star Trek Villain #4625: T'Drag, the Crossdressing Vulcan.

Cattlean: You know all those stupid “forced feminization” stories you find on the internet where the wife dresses the husband up to prove how hard women have it? This is like, the opposite, where the husband dresses himself up to prove how ugly and fake she looks.

Purrsephone: “Yeah! This is what you look like! I'm you! I think I'm going to go spend all night on the phone talking to my girlfriends about how much I love caramel machiattos! How do you like that, you cold unfeeling bitch!”

Cattlean: This is drag of a drag. Like when that annoying guy who sits by you at work quotes Family Guy and tries to do all the voices but he can't because he's a fucking fool.

Purrsephone: Like that time Dustin Diamond and I ran in a three-legged race!

Cattlean: Now I remember why nobody ever pays you for the shit you write.

Purrsephone: Yo dawg, I heard you like sissies, so we put some forced feminization in your forced feminization so you can emasculate while you emasculate!

Cattlean: “Dear Forced Womanhood, I never thought it could happen to me...”

Purrsephone: “10 New Ways To Please Your Closeted Lesbian Mistress!”

Cattlean: “Is French Maid The New French Maid?”

Purrsephone: “A Low Carb Chocolate Cake Recipe So Good Your Mistress Might Actually Pretend To Let You Get Off!”

Cattlean: “Fun Ways To Lose Weight While Getting The Shit (And Dignity) Beaten Out Of You!”

Cattlean: The lesson to be learned from this picture is if you're afraid of being bashed, carry around a colossal glowing blue phallus. Instead of beating you up people will just take pictures of you and have a good laugh at your expense. You know, the same treatment that ugly cispeople get.

Purrsephone: Hold your horses, Admiral Ackbar. She's a bit of a dog. Wait for the next one.

Cattlean: Your jokes, like original sin and the plot to Donnie Darko, makes no fucking sense.

Purrsephone: Don't worry. They'll make a reference of it at the next Thanksgiving Day parade, and then you'll be laughing like you were in on it from the beginning.

Cattlean: I haven't seen this much black lipstick and fail in one place since I went to the Rocky Horror party at the Mormon church.

Purrsephone: Pics or it didn't happen.

Cattlean: That's what she said.

Purrsephone: …..

Purrsephone: Oh no. This is worse than we thought.

Cattlean: Even the one in the black is thinking “oh no, what hath we wrought?”

Purrsephone: “Why am I posing with all these fucking amateurs? I'm the real deal, goddamit! I was MAID for this!”

Cattlean: I can't shake the feeling that one of these sissies is someone's phys ed coach.

Purrsephone: And I can't shake the feeling that at least one of them managed to untuck their “sissystick” long enough to produce offspring. It could either be pinky, hence why she's looking away from the camera (yeah, like that's going to keep them from identifying you, do yourself a favor and get Nobody Nose for Windows) or “Made (sic) in Oklahoma”. She's giving a look that could suggest “hey, just because your mother keeps my dick locked in a cage doesn't mean I can't ground you!”

Cattlean: My guess is blue. I've seen that forced smile in many a suburban family portrait.

Purrsephone: Let's not rule out pinky the lesser in the front. You'd have to fish a lot of turds out of bathtubs and skip a lot of bar trivia games to feed a hairless cat that only expresses emotion by screaming in your face before you develop a sense of humility disciplined enough to be caught wearing that trannywreck.

Cattlean: “Mayor, the trannies are beginning to wear jeans and go out in public without lipstick. Call the sissy squad at once!”

Purrsephone: “Uh, not now, we're posing for a group photo.”

Cattlean: This will all end in tears. I just know it.

Steampunk: UR DOING IT RONG

2009-06-08T16:37:00.000-07:00

So apparently, after being a happily neglected sungenre of science fiction and a pop culture curiosity for many years, Steampunk has finally broken into the mainstream... or at least into the ranks of the overly-internet-connected yet style-challenged who would otherwise try to satistify their need to be different with the relatively common and easier "goth" ...or maybe they'd be furries... or simply writing Harry Potter / Star Trek / Twilight crossover fiction with lots of slashy man-sex, I dunno. I personally say Bella gets assimilated, Hermione and Edward Eiffel-Tower Ginny Weasley (fap fap fap) and Kirk gets Snape male-pregnant.

And recently, I feel like a Lovecraft protagonist saying this, I have read words on the Internet that sent chills down my spine, words that cannot be uttered byt any sane being in our wordly dimension of time and space, words that claw at the thin fabric of my sanity – “Steam Bellydance.!” WTF, ppl? For Yog-Sothoth’s Sake, WTF? The Mad Arab Abdul Al-Hazred probably has a whole section on Steam Bellydance in the Necronomicon. Ia! Ia! I hear it’s actually quite nice in Arkham Sanitarium now.

But I digress...

Ok besides, the obvious style mishaps - white parasol, no makeup, unimaginative hair – this is a cisgirl so far as I know, our snark is by no means confined to our fellow transgenders - poorly considered stripes... up and down, right and left, what is this, Mondrian? And the unflattering outfit for her size, of course.

1. THE GOGGLES THEY DO NOTHING. If there is a bigger steampunk cliche (brass, gears, the general proximity to imagined "airships") nothing is easier to point the finger and laugh at than those damn goggles. Congratulations, you've suddenly became a bigger cliche than Trekkies in at least a quarter of the time. (I dunno, the 20-odd years between TOS going off the air and Shatner telling Trekkies "to get a life" on SNL?) Or even, dare I say it, Weeaboos (“kawaii kawaii, moshi moshi, desu desu desu”.) It's understandable if yr character - and it seems steamfails like to gravitate to making up a story for their steam-sona (lol) – If your character is somehow piloting a zeppelin or other newfangled flyin machine or maybe one of those horseless carriages. But it's getting OLD. I just think it's a stylistic borrowing from also-riddled-with-fail "cybergoth". Leave them @ home esp if they are made of plastic.

2. It might actually help if you, say, actually dressed like someone out of the 19th century. Women, as a rule, did not wear trousers then unless they were weirdos. And maybe you are… Or maybe you ride horses like a guy. Maybe you're just a pirate. But I just cant tell what the crap is going on here. I cant tell of those pants involve spandex – a source of much cosplay fail - but I *think* they do and I such would like to say that is right out. The top is likewise failtastic, the jacket is *vaguely* Victorian, like the sort of bedjacket women would wear over their nighties in case their heaving bosoms got cold, but no.. If a guy wore those outfit with, say a pirate shirt *gags*, it might be a little more believable but still... no.

3. Wearing Random Crap: Hot Topic gear earrings, lets lol @ those again, watch around the neck like a downsized Flava Flav, useless-looking random dagger (what is this for? Auditioning for a street performance of Hamlet?), what looks like your car/house keys on the other site of your belt along with a souvenir keychain from Fisherman’s Wharf? Personally I wouldn’t mind the watch, I would like it, if the rest of your outfit and accessorizing came together well, but it don’t.

I just have to say, I FUCKING HATE GEARS!!! Use gears and brass devices ONLY and ONLY if they have a function, like say you have a steam powered death-ray-gun or a bionic arm, or a fucking Babbage Difference Engine attached to your brain (actually I’d love to see that!). Just wearing gears or gluing them to your clothes makes you look stupid and a walking cliché see “The Goggles They Do Nothing” above.

Lose the random crap, instead read/watch some steampunk science fiction and try to come up with something believable out of that. If you can't, well, there’s always just being a fangirl/boy but I wouldn't dress the part.

Coming up this week...

2009-06-07T20:05:00.000-07:00

How to pluck yr eyebrows, maybe a makeup tutorial, definitely some more snark and lawls.

Sunday Randomness

2009-06-07T19:25:00.000-07:00

First, Sephora does not carry Shiseido makeup anymore, I do prefer their stick foundation but Makeup Forever is quite good... Shiseido's a pretty big brand too.

Some fail and lawls... and speaking of LARPers:

Apparently you can wear anything to a "Ren Faire" these days.

Lady Gaga, what is with that teacup?

Kim Kardashian fails @ makeup. I think this is "contouring" but a few shades darker in places and a few lighter in other and she's in ganguro territory. Where did she buy her bewbiz from though? I want a pair!

And the awesome shit you find on the internet, Tank Bike:

Finally, and Britney haters to the left plz, here's Miss Britney Spears in a rather Poison-ish getup from her tour:

She looks great. Apparently there cannot be Photoshop on her tummy cuz this picture is from her concert, haters, and I don't care if it is cuz you wish y'all could be this awesome.

I confess, I'm not a big fan of her bottoms. It looks like a pair of fishnet tights over another pair of pantyhose with possibly a pair of boyshorts in between. Just short shorts over tights would have sufficed. This looks like Britney doesn't know how to dress herself. Actually its been pretty well established, she can't.

I want roses tattooed on my teetees, thx.

Trapped in the Arcade #1

2009-06-05T16:33:00.000-07:00

brought to you by Purrsephone

Poison (Final Fight)

Herstory: Poison first appeared alongside her palette swap doppelganger Roxy in Capcom's Final Fight. While originally created as a cisfemale character, when the game was brought to America she was introduced as a transvestite because Capcom felt that American audiences wouldn't be as adverse to hitting a man dressed as a woman as they would a biological woman (you know, the “good” kind of woman). Say what you will about the Japanese, they've got the yankee mindset pretty figured out.

Despite (or perhaps due to) her gender deviance, Poison has become a popular Capcom fixture, branching out to both the Street Fighter and SNK vs Capcom series of games. Gamers can't seem to get enough of her; she's graced the “Top 25/Top 50” lists of Gamest Magazine, UGO.com, and GameDaily.com.

Street Fighter IV's producer Yoshinori Ono said in an interview with Electronic Gaming Monthly that in North America, Poison's official status is that of a post-op transsexual (remember kids, getting a job and a savings account for suckers, the easiest way to get that sex change is to become famous), while in Japan she “simply tucks her business away to look female”. It should be noted that in Japan, Poison classifies as futanari, or newhalf, which does not carry with it the same connotations as “transvestite” does in the states, but is still very, very sexy.

Strengths: With kitty ears and whatever the hell it is that French maids wear on their heads being as rampant as they are, a policeman's cap is a bold and refreshing alternative, combining bad girl attitude with an ironic fascist aesthetic. And where the tendency is to cut your hair short before you dye it an unnatural color, Poison not only kept hers long and luscious, but she even has a bit of a layering thing going on. I'm of two minds about her choice of tops; while I'm about as much a fan of “tiny white tops” as I am Cheap Trick cover bands, I must admit that it works with the jean shorts and her body shape (i.e. massive effing tits). I want to hate the unbuttoned jean shorts (or “jorts” for all you efficiency consultants), but admittedly that's only because with my massive, well, I'll call them “pelvis titties”, I can barely fit into normal-sized jeans, let alone “fuck me in the street” jorts. Maybe that's why she leaves her unbuttoned; she can't either. As an amateur dominatrix (meaning I hit people but apparently not hard enough for them to give me their money), I always appreciate the incorporation of handcuffs and chains into any seemingly vanilla outfit. They complete the “sexy bizarro cop” look and add some complexity and intrigue to an otherwise uninspired “jorts and top that I always pop out of every time someone roundhouse kicks me in the face” look that was soooo Fatal Fury.

Weaknesses: Her choice of shoes leaves a lot to be desired. Black kitten heels with that bottom leaves too much skin and makes hers legs look long and lanky. The center and left outfits could have really used a pair of high heeled boots or at the very least some fishnet stockings. The outfit on the right is unfortunate at best. If you absolutely have to cover up such a beautifully proportioned body, monochrome astronaut spandex is not the way to go. This is the one instance in which one of those unimaginative and totally degrading swimsuits the DOA girls are all sporting these days would be a vast improvement to this go-go-dancer-from-another-planet costume. I could get excited about this outfit if she had a ray gun instead of the handcuffs. And had it pointed at me. Or at a crying Chun-Li.

I'm going to stop before I have to start seeing a therapist again.

Score: Four high kicks out of five.

Let's Fix This Picture, Shall We?

2009-06-05T16:17:00.000-07:00

Makeovers in macro form:

click on pic to make it bigger!

OK, maybe its a little snarky!

Nair Shower Power

2009-06-05T16:06:00.000-07:00

As Frank Zappa sang it, I'm a hairy little Jewish princess. The next step up on the hairy scale is Borat, maybe I exaggerate but I'm hairy. I'm also blessed/cursed with pretty sensitive skin so I know the trials and tribulations of hair removal. I've also tried just about *every* means of hair removal one can do to oneself. The No!No! is actually my favorite, but I'll write on that some other time maybe. I'm no good @ waxing and it hurts, old style epilators like Braun hurt too, and either way you end up with nasty ingrowns after a month, shaving is quickest and cheapest but doesnt last long and isn't nice to your skin. Depilatory creams are probably really fucking nasty chemicals that you shouldn't let near your body or send down the drain, however we are a doomed human race living on a doomed planet so why not try to make ourselves a little pretty in the meantime? Plus they actually work pretty well for me. A lot less of the grossness of shaving, plus I only have to do it once a week, instead of twice.

Personally, Veet is my favorite in terms of effectiveness plus its perfectly gentle to my skin. But it's also overpriced for what it is. Nair Pretty lotion is my second favorite but they don't seem to carry it anymore @ Walgreens. Nair is the most recognized of these brands in the US (like Veet seems to be in the UK) - regular Nair lotion is OK, it smells like Strawberry Shortcake fell into a vat at a New Jersey chemical plant but it gets the hair off with only a bit more burn then the others.

Nair Shower Power is "New!" and I personally don't place much stock in it lasting longer than my missed Pretty. But still, I bought a bottle to try.

Its different from the others as they say to put it on dry skin, although I do see a Veet with the sponge too, maybe it’s the same thing. They claim you can shower with it on, but not to get it directly wet from the stream and since I have to put it on from the waist down I'm not sure what exactly I am supposed to do? Stand in the shower and steam myself?

That said, it works really quickly. I was suprised. I don't even think it's the ten minutes they claimed. You squirt the stuff on the orange side of the included sponge to put it on you, and by the time I'd reached the bottom of my spawn-of-Sasquatch-and-Chun-Li legs, I could tell the hair on the top was shriveling up and ready to fall off. I love the sponge, since it results in a lot less mess. Then you rub the hair off with the white side of the sponge. This feels like you're lightly sanding your legs and since the packaging says its an exfoliant, I expected it to feel kinda good, and it didn't. While I believe that suffering for your beauty is a good thing, this was just kinda vaguely annoying. Plus the two halves of the sponge separated halfway through. There were some stragglers amongst the hairs but they came off with showering and using one of those little "bladeless razor" squeegees that come with Veet.

It did make some previously irritated patches of my skin bleed. (ewwww) But it burned less than anything (except Veet) The results were a bit more stubbly in places than usual. And the next day, I do have some red spots (might be from shaving the previous week however). Overall, it worked pretty nicely and with less muss and fuss than usual. Didn't stink horribly either. So I'd probably get it again, seems to be on sale @ Walgreens, plus I have a little left in the tube.

ps, TMI and I did not tell you this but I did use it on my pubes. I find depilatory creams good for this, gives one a temporary waxed look w/o a salon trip. Mind, I have been keeping my pubes mostly bald for a long time so my skin is used to it, yr mileage might vary. I would *not* get it on yr actual privates, only on what Borat correctly refers to as the pubis. So, um, I won't say "don't try this @ home, kids" but I won't tell you to try either and won't take any responsibility for you burning off your hey-nanny-nanny. Nair pretty explicitly tells you NOT to put it there, or on your face... or taint... why you would I dunno. Remember I did NOT tell you any of this!

Good Enough For Knee: The Benefits of Knee Socks

2009-06-03T20:46:00.000-07:00

by Purrsephone

Legs and the appendages attached to them make up about half of the human body, so it befits us to keep that half of the body well dressed. While pants seem to fit the bill quite nicely, those of us wishing to break free from this fad that has all but dominated fashion for the last five centuries might choose to show off our legs rather than keep them entrapped in prisons of polyester and denim. To that end, there is a wide variety of skirts, mini-skirts, dresses, and mutilated t-shirts to suit the purpose. While some of us may be content to let the skin that remains go naked, those not so bold can take comfort in stockings and socks, stylish decorating their legs while maintaining their natural contour (also, they can keep you warm, in the event you forget to check whatever widget you use to tell you the temperature outside before throwing on that mini and halter combo).

Stockings can be formal and sexy, but sometimes it can be too formal and sexy. While it may give you an edge on a hot date or at your job as “alluring secretary #4”, while sipping Orange Julius at the mall with friends or attending a child's 8th birthday party, fishnets might come off as, among other things, overly dressy and inappropriate. What to do? Well, this is where a versatile collection of socks comes in handy.

Before I lay down some poppin' fresh fashion wisdom on you, a brief disclaimer (we're so found of those here); while this article focuses primarily on knee socks, which end at just below the knee cap, I am not suggesting that they are any more fly than thigh highs or over the knees. Personally, I find them to be the most practical, but I'm not by any stretch of the imagination gainfully employed in anything even remotely resembling the fashion industry. Also, if I included all forms of socks it would shorten the article immensely, as an article detailing the benefits of wearing socks could easily be boiled down to “because blisters suck”.

On an aesthetic note, knee socks suggest a youthful playfulness and exuberance that can be very attractive, alluring, and other adjectives beginning with “a”. This is in part due to our associating them with schoolgirls, who rank up their with us and nurses for “top reasons your roommate keeps running out of KY jelly”. It is very hard to look serious and boring in knee socks. Maybe if they're argyle, even then you're not fooling anyone. All it would take is a couple shots to transform you from a frustrated Russian Literature major into mugshot with the words “indecent exposure” written on a form that will haunt you the rest of your life.

Knee socks can be invaluable to the fashion-minded transwoman, that is if any of the obscure and way-too-specific-to-have-been-thought-up-off-the-top-of-my-head scenarios actually apply to you. If they don't, and you find this article to be inane and trite, I can assure you that if you're on this site, you weren't going to spend those past five minutes any more productively than you just did.

Women often use stockings to cover up their leg stubble. While this is an acceptable shortcut for both bio and transwomen, some of the more hirsute transwomen, especially those in the pre-hormone stage, knee socks can offer more complete coverage. For those in the midst of laser or electrolysis, socks can be used to protect your legs from the sun while the skin recuperates and the discoloration fades. In keeping with the “protection” theme, they can also be used to cover up any scrapes and scuffs you maybe sporting. Or scars you may have from your past life where someone may or may not have slid into you cleats-first. I'm not suggesting that such a tragedy has never befallen a cisgirl, but in the 3 softball games I've attended, I have not witnessed such a travesty of unsportsmanlike malice. Though I did see an umpire jump the fence trying to evade the police. Best phys ed class ever.

For those of us who have to “Clark Kent” it, that is, to go from “boy mode” to “girl mode” or vice versa in a short period of time because you have two engagements back to back and one of them is with a bunch of assholes in a heteronormative (i.e. work, family, court), knee socks are great because no matter whether you're changing from pants to a skirt or jeans to a baggier pair of jeans, knee socks just sort've sit there hugging your shins and aren't bothered by the costume change they look in place no matter what gender you're presenting, though their implied femininity allows you to easily achieve a more feminine look simply by pulling up your pant legs (or simply swapping them out for a skirt). Again, your mileage may vary if you live in a place with a better sane person to monkey ratio.

In the early stages of transition, were a transwoman might be insecure about her ability to pass in public, a good pair of bright, colorful knee socks can reduce onlooker gawking and staring by leading the eyes down. This only works in an instance where you're just a passerby, mind you. And really, this effect could be achieved with any well-executed garment or accessory, like shoes or hair extensions or a parrot that can recite the lines from Blade Runner. Far be it from me to encourage a transwoman to hide their identity while in public, but if you live in a heavily monkey-infested city, like I will until July, its a useful trick up your sleeve for days you're not feeling wholly confident of your pass-ability. Just remember to keep your outfit fashionably sound. Don't wear them with open-toed shoes or with a bottom that doesn't match. If you found nothing else I've said applicable or useful, I hope to at the very least reinforce the things you should already know.

While there are a plethora of websites from which to purchase socks of all styles and materials, I personally prefer Sock Dreams (www.sockdreams.com). Just when you thought I couldn't get any more unscrupulous, I start shilling shit. Truly, though, Sock Dreams will do you right. The prices are fair, the selection is wide (they even offer ones made from eco friendly materials), and their models are attractive. All around, they're winners. Tell them I sent you. Not that they know me or anything, but hopefully if enough of you drop my name they'll cut me deal on my next order.

What Not (in the name of Cthulhu) to Wear to Gay Pride

2009-06-03T20:26:00.000-07:00

June is the queerest of months as this is when most GLBTQQIHSJKHDKJHSJDHJKSHFJKCNUIYWW Pride celebrations occur. At least NYC and San Francisco, other places may be earlier or later, presumeably to give Z-list celebrities a chance to perform/appear in more than one parade. (I'm so excitied about Solange Knowles this year! Even more so than Cyndi Lauper last year - she didn't seem too happy to be there herself!)

LGBT Pride, GLBT... hm, as I like to call it, "GLB (And Sometimes T)" or as Purrsephone says "GLB ...T." Anyway...

Pride may be a celebration of all things gay and glittery and fierce and fabulous - and increasingly straight people have gotten into the act which is welcome provided they don't fuck it up too bad - no matter your orientation, you need to honor the spirit of our queer pioneers who fought for your right to throw on some ill-fitting spangly hotpants, feather boa and deely-boppers once a year. No, wait, that's actually what you should NOT be doing.

And (particularly cisgirls) If your entire outfit is recycled from your "sexy" Halloween get-up or is otherwise totally comprised of things made by Leg Avenue, reconsider it. Or not, as you are usually fun to look at. Also please refrain from buying your last-minute outfits @ certain stores on Haight Street, as I often have to buy a new pair of tights or stockings myself and you are crowding up the store whilst trying on every whore outfit you can find. (But see "fun to look at")

And this year, with Prop 8 upheld in California (this means discrimination is now written into our fucked-up constitution) and calls for a boycott of London Pride because they weren't letting transladies piddle in the correct (ladies) toilets (WTF?) maybe it's time to go all "y so srs?" this year.

There is enough fail @ Pride sometimes to make me think that perhaps if one was suitably gay-proud oneself that one should dress normally as if they were going to work or the supermarket, and a lot of people do that, but that would take all the fun out of it. This year I shall probably dress Victorian, however I may probably be mistaken for a Steampunk, which means I'll have to all like, "see, no gears, no brass, no goggles, no steamfail here kthxbai!"

Now, I do not know these people, and for all I know they are all really nice (but that's not the point of this blog is it?) but let's let them provide some examples of fashion fail:

Left to right:

1. At least making a fucking effort: UR DOING IT RONG. At least she is wearing clothes. But generic Care Bears shirt and jeans? The hair? And while I don't advocate violence I wanna slap the blue clown-dots and lipstick off her face while yelling NO! NO! YOU ARE MAKING US LOOK BAD!!!

2. Random kitty ears. A pet (haha) peeve of mine. Call me a furfag, but I own a few pairs, I like them, ok, I'm a catgirl, meow. But just throwing on kitty ears doesn't make one fabulous or "alternative" or even a credible catgirl. They are an accessory and as such have to go with the rest of the outfit. And what exactly would that be? Generic wireframe glasses? You coulda done better when you went to LensCrafters I'm sure. Just throwing on a corset and calling it an outfit? White stockings with an all-black outfit? Unappetizingly displayed boobage? Just because you got it don't mean you should flaunt it. So white, evil me hopes she didn't wear sunscreen as to teach her a lesson. I do realize she is wearing a bra of sorts - but a different choice of tops/foundation garments is needed. Do you know what the German word for "bra" is? "KeepzemFrumfloppen!" (actually I think its "bustenhalter") I cant see her bottoms but frankly they dont look promising - spandex is not necessarily your friends, girls - and I'm grateful for Care Bear Girl's rainbow flag.

Also, y so srs? She should try smiling. Girl looks like one of the other party members has farted and she's trying to figure out who did it.

3. Actually this is not so bad. I've actually worn variations on this outfit, its rather generic/babybat goth but I'm not above that, kay? (I have never set foot inside a Hot Topic however) No complaints about the bewbage here. This lady looks as big and white as #2 but she is doing it rite. BTW, this blog, even the snark, is not and will never be about who is too "fat" or whatever, it's about what you do to yourself. Anyhoo, I'm guessing the green t-shirts were free and she needed a place to put them A poofier skirt woulda worked better under this corset because of the tummy bulge.

4. RANDOM ANIMAL EARS AGAIN! aaaargh. Mouse, bear, dog, wombat, slithy tove, bandersnatch? I dunno. She also seems to be wearing a tail of similarly indeterminate species. I think what we have here is a furry in the early stages of development. Otherwise, there's not much else wrong with this outfit besides that problematic green t-shirt. (I personally would have thrown out the damn thing on account of the color.) And she could have done more with her hair. And her corset appears to be on backwards, even if it isn't.

5. Finally, Gay Fetish Pirate LARPer Guy... um, ok, he's made the most effort of any of them and I'd probably give him a pass just because it's Pride and all. He does look like he'd get assraeped by anything greater than a level 3 Kobold, however he might let them. I personally Do. Not. Get. the utility belt laden with bondage gear thing - he's not the only one who does it. Is he a kinky repairman like I've seen in the XXX movies, "Excuse me m'am/sir, I'm here to erm, clean your pipes." What, are you supposed to be ready for anything? Maybe he's expecting some hot scenes to break out there in the park. (If it were San Francisco, it wouldn't be a suprise tbh.) Or he's just showing off. At any rate, I don't think he rolled very high on Charisma.

My remedy would be to force these guys to dress like housewives or office workers this Pride and by I don't mean "sexy" housewives or office workers.

I hope to see you there on Saturday - including Pink Saturday - and Sunday in San Francisco, I'll probably take pictures, and I hope I won't have to ridicule anyone too bad! But if I do, we'll at least have some more material for the blog. In which case it will be a win/win situation. Or win/fail, depending how you look at it.

Cover Girl Does NOT Cover Boy

2009-06-02T02:00:00.000-07:00

OK, here's a pet peeve, stubble, beard shadow, 5'o'clock shadow. Honestly, I've seen it on everyone from crossdressers to MTF TS noobs to supposedly professional drag queens - "professional" meaning what? they get a cut from the door, free drinks, and whatever they charge for quickie blowjobs? (Sign me up! for the free drinks, not the blowjobs.) Nothing kills your look quicker, no matter what. I've actually seen quite a few otherwise pretty and well turned-out biomale girls with decent makeup completely wrecked by a 5'o'clock shadow that makes them look like they are auditioning to be a sad hobo clown in the circus.

This is even more wrong because IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY, PEOPLE. Its actually an easy fix and if you don't mind spending a little money and making a little effort, you can probably go today and say goodbye to the sad hobo clowns.

And it's not necessarily about "passing" - this is a favorite whine of crossdressers who just wanna put on a wig and a dress and prance about singing "I Feel Pretty" and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, honey. It's about not looking like shit. I don't "pass", drag queens don't "pass", for you loligoth-botherer weeaboos, ppl like Mana don't "pass" either. Passing is not necessarily the point here.

"Cover Girl Does Not Cover Boy"

These words were spoken in an interview by a professional Vegas female impersonator. And they are words to live by. Foundation makeup made for biogirls, especially the crap sold in drugstores isn't necessarily going to work over a male face. Actually there are even *loads of cisgirls with shitty foundation. But this girl/boy is covered.

Choosing a Foundation Makeup

This I found tricky. I've never had a "drag mother" or professional instruction, so like with all makeup I've either had to figure it out myself or read about it and/or get random tips here and there. After messing with, and hating, liquid foundations for a while I discovered stick foundation, panstick, namely Max Factor, although that sort of makeup is not confined to that brand. I like it because it's quick, easy and neat and you can put it on as thick as you need to.

And I put powder over it, but more on that later.

Now you may be able to go down to your local drugstore and get Max Factor Pan-Stick right away - I used to get it @ Duane Reade in NY. Unfortunately the brand has fallen on hard times because of the publicity fallout that resulted when a (creepy, rapist) heir to the Factor fortune got pwned by Dog the Bounty Hunter on national TV. So a lot of stores (like Walgreens) don't carry it. The brand has been owned by Procter and Gamble since forever and I'll also add that Smashbox was started by boys from the Factor fam and they have, so far as I know never raeped anyone in their lives. I still recommend MF panstick if you can find it. I think drugstore.com may stock it.

Choosing a Brand

Actually I may be getting ahead of myself, as color is more important but some other brands to look for:

Makeup Forever Pan Stick (made in France, expensive)

Shiseido The Makeup (made in Japan, expensive, creative use of English)

Both are good, but way more expensive. Available @ Sephora, and Shiseido is in a lot of other places. Shiseido The Makeup is my current favorite. Mainly based on color. I had one of the color experts @ Sephora help me (she has the same first name as my stage name which I didn't tell her) and that was cool. The Shiseido has a dry and chalky finish, which judging from comments on sephora.com some girls don't like it but I do. Other sticks look greasy by themselves but this I might actually be tempted to wear w/o powder over it. Shiseido also contains sunblock, isn't that nice? Makeup Forever is similar to Max Factor except the sticks are square and cost 3x as much for less makeup. I do find their color selection rather limiting, I need pale makeup, if you are darker you may love it. They do sell totally white panstick but I'd avoid it, unless you're a clown or in a black metal band. Their "Ivory" color does not cover well but their darker ones do. Luckily, they have exactly *one* color that works for me. Sephora stocks other brands, but their colors didn't work.

(EDIT: apparently Sephora just dropped Shiseido makeup. boo. I went to get some more. But I did get the Makeup Forever stick I like.)

I have not tried MAC or Kryolan foundation, both brands are popular. In a pinch and I hate to admit it because of the famous shittiness of the brand name but Wet 'n' Wild Cover-all sticks actually work. They are just tiny, the size of a lipstick and only last 2 applications but they cost $2 @ Walgreens. In a pinch, I said, and that's probably the last time I'll ever say "Wet 'n' Wild" in a positive context ever.

Choosing a Color

The only way is to start sticking it on your face. Unfortunately this is probably impossible in a drugstore and the colors they have on the packaging don't really match what's inside or how it will look on your face. With Max Factor, I had to buy a whole bunch of sticks (like 5) before settling on a favorite. Thankfully @ places like Sephora or MAC, they will help you choose a color and you can try on everything.

The rule for gals that I've heard is to choose a shade lighter than your face. If you are going for "goth", ok 2 shades, go pale but *white* ends in fail most of the time. I go 2 shades lighter myself. And a bit pinkish in hue, but this is what works on *my* face and not necessarily yours, I'm just sayin'.

Since this is mainly about hiding beard shadow and most of that tend to be blueish, you need a "warm" foundation to hide it. A lot of foundation colors are "cool" or greenish - this is designed to hide red things like zits and freckles. I have heard that cheap red lipstick actually works well as beard cover under foundation but have never tried it. I'll just mention that in passing.

Powder

I use loose powder, in the shaker cans. You might want a powder puff (these are often included in the can) and definitely a brush (to look your best.) I used to buy the theatrical type powder for sale @ Patricia Field and Ricky's in NYC. Now I use Makeup Forever. The cans are smaller and more expensive for the same quality.

You want translucent powder, trust me on this. It may color it slightly, but the real deal will show whatever color is underneath it. You can get irridescent or glittery powder which looks good irl but tends to make one look greasy in photos. There are a lot of colored powders available, which may be useful, in my experience they are hard to put on w/o it looking splotchy and gross.

I personally use Makeup Forever HD Powder. Personally, I think the HD makeup thing is a scam and I don't buy into it. But the HD powder is nice, completely translucent (in the can it's white!) and way better than the other loose powders from that brand. It's like $30 and the can is tiny but a little goes a long way, so it does last a good while.

Applying the Makeup:

First you shave. Of course, if you don't need to, ignore this step. But if you shave, do it right before you put on makeup. Use a new razor - they always work best either the first - or don't ask me why - second time you use a blade. Dry your face.

Foundation: now I think you're supposed to use a makeup brush and only a makeup brush to apply it, but I just apply the stick directly to my face. (Put on enough to cover everything that needs covering.) Then I DO brush the makeup thats on my face to make sure its all nice and blended together. I put on extra below my eyes. If you are modeling/camwhoring, you can put on an extra coat of foundation (but not powder) for a really finished almost doll-like look. Make sure you blend that mess down into your neck.

Powder. You can either brush or powder-puff it on. I prefer the puff because its less messy, so I puff first, then brush. Dont overload the puff with powder so that its falling off or blowing everywhere or anything. I press the puff to my face and gently rock it back and forth once or twice to press the powder on. Repeat till whole face is covered. Then like with the foundation, gently smooth the powder with a makeup brush so that it looks all nice and airbrushy. That's it. you're now ready to put on the rest of your face. I will be sure to be doing makeup tutorials - different looks w/eyeshadow, blush, lippy in the future so plz come back for that.

Anything else? Well, I don't do facial contouring. I think it looks great onstage but mostly quite fake anywhere else. I've also never looked into using under-eye concealer or anything like that. These are things to consider.

Snark Tank 1: Myspace Invaders

2009-06-02T01:02:00.000-07:00

The Snark Tank, like the rest of the CatHouse team/staff/whores, are currently unpaid volunteers who's contributions to this blog are purely a labor of something like but not necessarily love.

Translation: As long as this shit is being given out for free, we're not going to read, reply to, or forward to someone who might give a shit about your hate mail.

We, like our target audience, are both trans. We are not part of the cissexist conspiracy to dehumanize and degrade the trans community. To prove it, at some point we will post pictures of ourselves and let someone else snark us.

All people are beautiful to us. Really. And that's why you will not find any remarks to the effect of “they're ugly” or “they'll never pass”. Think of this as a red carpet “worst dressed list”, except the red carpet is anywhere on the internet you might post pictures of yourself.

All pictures featured in ST were found over the interwebs on publically accessible social networking profiles. If you or someone you know doesn't want to be featured in ST, set your profile to “friends only”.

Snark Thank is Purrsephone, an artist and musician from Phoenix, AZ, and Cattlean, a writer and potential lunch winner from San Francisco, CA. Neither of their parents loved them.

Purrsephone: Ah, yes, another proud customer of Nobody Nose, the cutting edge program from Microsoft that allows you to safely upload your pictures to the internet while keeping your identity a secret from loved ones, coworkers, or “nosy” federal investigators.
Cattlean: “Hey, dude, come over here, I think I found a picture of Bill in a dress!”
“Lemme see. Nah, man, Bill has a nose.”
“Oh yeah, you're right. My bad.”
Purrsephone: I'm not sure what's worse: that's she's wearing stockings with open-toed shoes, or that she spent all that money on that nose-blurring program when it came bundled with Photoshop.
Cattlean: Your mom came bundled with Photoshop.
Purrsephone: The last time I tried to doctor one of my pictures, a little paper clip came up and said “Looks like you're trying to edit an unflattering picture of yourself! Would you like some tips on how to develop some self esteem?”
Cattlean: Believe me, P, when I tell you that nothing would validate my cold, bitter existence more than ripping this picture a new one. But I can't seem to do it. Because something tells me that nose-less, unshaven trannies with “baby blue house paint” manicures and Catherine Zeta Jones haircuts probably do it for John Waters. And providing that man with something to fap to is its own form of queer patriotism.
Purrsephone: Does John Waters need stimulation? I always imagined he could achieve arousal just by sensing the sleaze in the air.
Cattlean: That would be a fun trick. Wanna see how many perverts live in your house? Invite John Waters over and see how long it takes him to cream his pants.
Purrsephone: It's all fun and games though until you accidentally bring him over to Mitt Romney's house and he becomes so aroused he beats himself to death with his own anal beads.
Cattlean: Does John Water carry anal beads on his person?
Purrsephone: Don't you?

Purrsephone: That look can only mean one of two things. 1) There's a mouse on the floor or 2) she “untucked” herself.
Cattlean: You forgot 3) There wasn't a person standing over there with a camera a second ago.
Purrsephone: “Oh no! You've found me out. Well, I guess there's no use in hiding it. I'm just going to come out with it. I'm a “Material Girl”-era Madonna impersonator trapped in the body of a colorblind striptease artist. Please, please don't tell anybody. But, if you have to, I am on yahoo.”
Cattlean: I never understood why the whole “bracelets/opera gloves” look is the only socially acceptable way to wear jewelry over clothing. If you saw someone wearing an anklet with knee high socks or a belly chain with a sweater, you'd laugh, if the sight of it didn't make you cringe so hard you actually imploded unto yourself like a black hole. But when someone throws some rhinestones over skintight gloves, everyone's all “omg she's so glamorous”. You look like a pack rat.
Purrsephone: But a very classy pack rat. Maybe she just has a really small jewelry box and has nowhere else to put it. But we're digressing from the real question. Do you think this was taken before or after labor day?
Cattlean: This outfit is so white and tacky that it might actually bring Labor Day a month early.
Purrsephone: See that look on her face? She's realized, half-way through her photo shoot, that she's committed a horrid fashion faux pas. But she's rocking it. Like when you fart when someone's going down on you. All you can do is keep going and hope that the person still loves you enough to look you in the eye later.
Cattlean: I could be two blocks away and staring off in the other direction and still be looking her in the eye.
Purrsephone: “It wasn't until I had climbed onto the chair that I realized that this was no ordinary eye exam...”
Cattlean: At least she knows her optometrist likes her.

Cattlean: While this picture originally came from fugly.com, I found this on a number of people's profiles. By putting it up on your picture gallery, you're essentially saying “this in some way is representative of me and my interests”. This picture says something about many people, and none of it is good.
Purrsephone: So, if you see this pedaling furiously towards you, do you run with her or in the opposite direction?
Cattlean: Just stand where you are, because any second Batfag and Wonderdyke are going to turn the corner on their big wheels.
Purrsephone: What nefarious foe do you think Super Tranny is on her way to thwarting in this picture? Dr. Heteronormative? The Photonic Phobe? Baron von Closet Case?
Cattlean: There was one copy of Milk left at the Blockbuster, so they're racing to see who gets to watch it first.
Purrsephone: Why don't they just all watch it together?
Cattlean: You know how it is. Wonderdyke's partner thinks Batfag is a patriarchal pig, and Super Tranny starts throwing buildings whenever Wonderdyke mentions Julie Bindel, and Batfag swears that he can't sit next to Wonderdyke because he's allergic to Patchouli oil, blah blah blah. It's sad, really.
Purrsephone: Even sadder when you realize that Bisexual Aquaman has already dropped out of the race and stolen the DVD.

Purrsephone: Backstage, world champion The Fuschia Boulder fusses with her hair before her match against She-Hulk Hogan.
Cattlean: When you're plus-sized, it's hard enough to find a flattering, fashionable dress that will fit. But the amount of concentration it takes to find the absolute worst possible one for your body borders on zen mastery.
Purrsephone: Time for some math. Tranny + ???? + Hotel room = Profit! Solve for x.
Cattlean: x is greater than or equal to “make a face that says 'life is short, let's put on our favorite outfit and do something we're going to regret'”.
Purrsephone: The real target of our snark should be the friend taking the picture. If you see your friend dressed like Dr. Frankenfurter got his hands on Ru Paul and some bubble gum and your first reaction is to take a picture for all your friends on myspace, Friend Protective Service should come by your hotel and take your friend away.
Cattlean: By the distributive property, every hate mail we get for writing these articles and subsequently post on here for others to laugh is your fault. Congratulations, you've managed to generate more hate with one picture than Carrie Prejean, Fred Phelps, and the furbie combined. I hope you can sleep at night.
Purrsephone: I think you mean “transitive property”.
Cattlean: I think you mean “please shove the dick a little deeper down my mouth.”
Purrsephone: Only if its yours. I bet my girlfriend that I could fit that and a whole pack of skittles in my mouth without gagging.
Cattlean: What do you get if you win the bet?
Purrsephone: Even if I can do it, I still think I lose the bet. On your knees with a dick and a bag of fruity candies in your mouth is about as “anti-win” you can get without getting your car stuck on a speed bump.

Cattlean: Myspace angle: strong enough for a woman, made for a tranny.
Purrsephone: She's so made of win her eyelashes and eyebrows are high fiving each other.
Cattlean: I think I'm experiencing doublethink right now. Like, my mind has been so warped by the internet that one part of me goes “she's attractive, has a nice look going, her makeup is well done” but the other part of me is saying “faded picture, horrible angle, this bitch has to be ugly”. I can see that she's not ugly, but I feel myself compelled to believe it anyway. Dammit, will someone just tell me if she's attractive or not?
Purrsephone: Let's ask the quirky thrift store owner who sold her that cheetah print jacket. I bet he got a better look at her than we did. Or is that leopard print? Why don't I know this stuff? WHO AM I MOMMY?
Cattlean: The day has just begun and already our minds have snapped and broken like my 94 year old grandmother's will to live.

Purrsephone: After years of training, Goku finally reached Super Saiyan level 770000. The results were not pretty.
Cattlean: This chick's got more fake gold than a Persian restaurant.
Purrsephone: Hey, it takes a lot of talent to teach your eyelashes to do The Wave.
Cattlean: Things wrong with this picture include but are not limited to; makeup obviously done with a stencil and spraypaint, lipstick so glossy that even Stevie Wonder is complaining about the glare, and makeup caked so thick on the nose that it would protect you from getting a sunburn. This is where boners go to die.
Purrsephone: This was taken moments before Mr. T hit her with a chair and took back his necklace.
Cattlean: Are you sure it wasn't The Powdered Sugar Monster? That would explain the eyes.
Purrsephone: I know who it wasn't. Marijuana. You think about that, America.

Cattlean: Somewhere, there is a confused-looking little girl in a tiara, Tinkerbell shirt, and leather pants adorned with handcuffs.
Purrsephone: Remember those stupid “fashion designer” toys where you had all those templates with parts of outfits on them and you put three of them together and put a piece of paper over it and then ran over it with a crayon and you came up with a Franken-outfit that we never got to play with because our parents were too busy pushing GI Joes and monster trucks on us? This is what would have happened if you put biker chick at the top and bottom, but in the middle you put the torso for “sex offender”.
Cattlean: I can't tell if this is a TG or just a biker dude who lost a bet and is being smug about it.
Purrsephone: When I started wearing makeup and women's clothes to school, a bunch of guys asked me if I lost a bet. I said that I had acctually won a bet. I could tell my answer confused them, because then they kicked my ass.
Cattlean: Coming soon to a theater near you: She's a hard-broiled tranny who doesn't play by the rules. Betty Punchabitch stars in “Frills That Kill”.

Purrsephone: The tranny national guard. You can, but are encouraged not to.
Cattlean: “Sgt Brittney demonstrates how to properly hold a gun while waiting for your nails to dry.”
Purrsephone: It doesn't speak much for your organization when your paramilitary wing's dress code includes a weightlifter's built, goggles and a half-assed attempt at socialist imagery.
Cattlean: Maybe the red outline means she's only a little bit socialist. Like, she believes in worker's rights and a public ownership of the means of production, but if you get sick and can't pay for the medicine then you deserve to linger and die.
Purrsephone: “Fight for our rights? Girl, I'm only here for the fashion.”
Cattlean: Frankly I'm surprised you haven't gone all artfag on us.
Purrsephone: Well, I shouldn't have to tell you how her visible disgust at holding the gun, which is a universal phallic symbol, is an expression of her rejection of her born gender, and thus a deprecation of her own anatomy. If you need me to point that out to you, then you probably have a hard time dressing yourself in the morning.
Cattlean: Judging from these pictures, I'm not alone.

Cattlean: What you are seeing is not a life-altering skin condition or a still from 2 Girls 1 Cup. This picture belongs to someone who claims, in their myspace profile, to be a “black shemale” trapped in the body of a white guy. Before I let you get on with your snappy one-liners and obscure pop culture references, I would like to point out how damaging things like this are to the community. Transfolk are put under an immensely invasive scope. Everything we do is subject to scrutiny, by our peers, by the media, by our employers, medical professionals, and every six year old meatbag who's parents have been too busy watching Grey's Anatomy to bother teaching it any fucking manners. There's a reason I had to suffer through months of therapy just to be allowed to transition. It's because for every 2, maybe 3 of us who are desperately trying to behave natural and prove to the world that we're even more normal and more well-behaved than the rest of the world, there's one anal cunt like this furiously posting pictures of themselves doing batshit insane stuff like SHEMALE BLACKFACE. And of course that's the person who gets the attention and thus influences the views of the cishetero community. I'm not asking you to quit your totally offensive hobby, but if you must share pictures of yourself doing it, please just set your pictures to “friends only”. The community will thank you. Well, not really, like, we're not going to write you an e-mail saying “thanks for not making us look like weirdos, dicklick”, but you what I'm saying.
Purrsephone: Can you imagine her teaching a sensitivity training seminar? “Now Steve, don't assume that Dan is white. He might not feel 'white' on the inside.” She's so repressed she almost classifies as otherkin. Finally, the true origins of Eminem revealed! If she talks to herself, does she occasionally let loose a racial slur when she's angry? Has she ever rubbed the makeup off to avoid getting pulled over? Fuck it, I'm running low, you got anything?
Cattlean: I'm going to call the Ghostbusters before Powdered Sugar Monster strikes again.
Purrsephone: Awww, you're still upset. Would some ice cream cheer you up?
Cattlean: No.
Purrsephone: What if I got on webcam and did a dance for you?
Cattlean: Maybe.
Purrsephone: ...while singing “These Boots Are Made For Walkin'”.
Cattlean: Deal.
Purrsephone: Alrighty then. Well, if the shame doesn't drive me to suicide, we'll see you all next time on Snark Tank!

If you have any questions, comments, concerns, of suggestions for Snark Tank, send them to kittiekarlyle@gmail.com.

Notes

2009-06-02T00:48:00.000-07:00

Some notes, this blog is *really* new... so we're still working on a nice layout... oh yeah, and figuring out how to do that "jump" or "cut" thing.

Short updates with descriptions of new articles will also be posted to livejournal:

http://theecathouse.livejournal.com/

and twitter:

http://twitter.com/kittiekarlyle

Welcome To Thee CatHouse

2009-06-02T00:15:00.000-07:00

Hi and welcome to out trans-beauty blog. It's beauty, what to do and what not to do. We'd like to think we can help all girls out, but we're transgals and this blog aims @ our fellow transgals.

I'm Kittie Karlyle and I run this shit. Other articles are submitted byPurrsephone and Cattlean. We may be looking for more contributors but we are choosy.

Yes, we are more than one person and no, we are not furries.

We decided this blog was needed because there was simply not enough makeup and fashion advice available for transwomen. In the past, there have been some dire tomes printed for crossdressers (we're looking @ you, Miss Vera) and a large amount of jibberjabber directed @ transwomen in general, too little signal with too much noise.

We didn't think there was enough style, enough from people who have literally walked the walk, enough from those who would pull no punches instead of mincing around the ring like Glass Joe.

We're not going to hold anyone's hand and we don't even know the words to "Kumbaya". We're not going to tell anyone "oh, you're so pretty" when you're not. We will however guide your hand with makeup, go through your closet and maybe even get you a whole new wardrobe. Metophorically speaking, of course, we're just writing stuff on the internet.

We are not politically correct by anyone's standards and we don't have any patience for bawwing and wank. We make fun of people, tell goofy jokes and use bad words.

Our snark is not a personal attack on the subject. It is not about who is ugly, or who is too fat or unpassable. It is not and will never be about you. (The rhetorical "you", mind.) It is about what you do to yourself.

Images for snark and macros are taken from the internet. If it's publicly available on the internet, it's fair game. Bawwing and butthurt from the snarked may be published and further mocked. (See "hate mail".)

We welcome any suggestions. Got comments on an article? Advice on something we may or may not have touched on. Love the shit out of us and worship the ground we walk on? Email us. If you got hate mail, send it too, we reserve the right to print and then ridicule it.